Friday, 7 January 2011

Command performance

Something I have seen recently on some of the poly sites I have been reading really angers me.

It refers to sex.
Not sex as wonderful, dirty, wild, maybe kinky, bliss inducing fun.
But sex as a DUTY!

This angers me.
We are not slaves (non-consensually).

To proclaim sex a duty enslaves us. It removes the spontaneity and freedom which help to make sex so fantastic and make it into a mechanical routine.

I can think of few things less appealing than "having to perform", which for me would be almost guaranteed to kill desire, and I imagine my partners would find the thought that I might be putting out for duty's sake repulsive.

In a poly V there may well be pressure on the hinge to meet the sexual "needs" of all his/her partners and this may lead to decreased libido and inability "to perform" if it is all about duty or timing and not desire. This can become a vicious cycle of destruction if handled badly and unsympathetically. There may also be pressure on an arm of the V to accept sex at the behest and timing of another.

I really believe that this denies us as individuals the responsibility and freedom of our own sexuality. We should own our own sexuality and not put the onus on another.

To me it is ethically wrong to hassle someone for sex.
Nobody should be responsible for anothers sexuality and be forced "to perform" for another's gratification, this sows the seeds of desire's end.


  1. This is certainly a topic I have noticed as well and I think we as a V have experienced first hand.
    ML would be the one to speak from his point of view, but I know he has had issue with feeling "oversexed" or expected to "perform". We have discussed this at length and I have assured him many times that yes if I am wanting sex, and he is not in the mood or tired etc...I may be disappointed in the situation, but never angry or disappointed in him. In fact, I told him there are plenty of other ways for me to get gratification with him present without him feeling pressure to perform.
    I cannot speak for the other arm of our relationship, their sexual dynamic is very different.
    But I agree with you. We are individuals, other people are not responsible for our satisfaction.

  2. I liked your post. But I will admit that when I first married my husband that sex was more of an obligation and a duty for me than anything else. It got me to where I am now so I don't regret it all that much. I wish it had been more romantic but that is all in the past. Your opinion is right but I guess I wanted to say that not everyone really gets to do it that way.

  3. I personally don't mind looking at sex as duty, but I look at almost everything I do as duty. When I choose to have a relationship, it's my duty to be mindful of the needs of the relationship and to actively work to nurture the relationship. It is ALSO my duty to nurture myself.

    That means I should never have sex when it would be actually unpleasant for me... But if it's just a case where I could take it or leave it, but I know it would mean a LOT to my partner, then I do see it as my duty to (usually) pick the choice that would bring my partner happiness.

    That said, if another person were to tell me that sex, or any other expression of love, was my duty, I'd be irritated.

  4. My wife came home from a girls meet at church and they were giving out the advice the their husbands "have sex needs " they should fulfil. Well, yuk !!! What a turn-off.

  5. Hi Martin. Thanks for your comment. The thought of someone in a position of such authority "coercing" your partner without (necessarily) your knowledge, really is not good!