tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86827716201672662552024-02-19T15:21:39.010+00:00A PolyGlotPoly Meanderings and other madnessUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-89160868064375591892018-05-25T17:10:00.000+01:002018-05-25T17:10:29.650+01:00Doomed from the Start edit <span style="font-family: "georgia";"><span style="color: black;"><b>Natja's advice to single people </b><br /></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia";">1) You should feel a strong emotional connection to <i>both</i> people in the couple, even if you are only sexually attracted to one. Anything else is just too hard.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia";">2) Read up on poly, and expect the people you are dating to have done the same.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia";">3) If one partner in the couple you are dating complains that the other bottles things up and doesn't ever 'share' and tells you that s/he finds it frustrating, seriously reconsider whether you want to be in a relationship with them, you will have to deal with the same issues.<br /><br />4) If one partner in the couple confides to you that his/her partner lacks qualities that you make up for, so together he has 'one perfect woman / man'... Run....that is evidence of so much wrong with his or her thinking.<br /><br />5) Similarly if one partner admits a previous deception by the other but excuses the behavior as something that 'men / women do' or says it is due to his/her upbringing... Run..... It is the best evidence that one of them is not taking emotional responsibility in the relationship and the other is making excuses for him/her, thereby allowing them to abdicate their responsibilities. </span></div>
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia";">*It is not worth the risk to your heart or your mental health*</span></b></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 78%;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif";"></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-61518631888615637792013-12-04T10:45:00.000+00:002018-05-25T20:24:59.627+01:00Archived Hello readers,<br />
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For various reasons this blog will no longer be updated but will essentially be an archive. I realise that new people are still reading and enjoying it, I hope that that will be the case for many years to come, it is really nice to know this blog continues to be of interest and help to people.<br />
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Thank you all for your support and comments.<br />
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Natja<br />
December 2013Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-10649067951316816322012-08-02T17:39:00.000+01:002015-05-28T19:03:39.118+01:00Taking the red Pill - How Poly Families can free the West<div class="MsoNormal">
In my previous <a href="http://apolyglot.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/polyamourous-ideology-how-monogamy.html">post</a>, I examined how monogamy developed as a means of control, ensuring that the State had a better control of the populace. I talked of “taking the red pill” and stepping away from our assigned roles in society and relationships and making decisions free from cultural expectations.</div>
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I concentrated a lot more on expanded cultural norms but we do not go into relationships for the benefit of society so I think it is worthwhile examining the small private benefits to individuals who feel called to adopt a Poly lifestyle. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So whereas my previous post was collectivist, this post is more individualist but as with anything to do with Poly, the benefits to the individual only comes <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">through</i> the collective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>.</div>
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By <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">family</b> I mean any two or more people living together.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>A note about exclusions</u></b></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally my posts are relevant to all sets of non monogamous lifestylers, however, many of these things <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">may</i> be excluded from Polygamous individuals because I concentrate on liberties mostly gained through egalitarianism, independence, freedom and security, which not all Polygamous people have. Similarly, open couples who have casual or hierarchically structured dyad protecting relationships will also not gain all the benefits.</div>
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This is about expanded families, whether you live together or not, this is about people who have created Intentional Families for the purposes of love and support. </div>
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You may have heard these popular phrases “United we stand, divided we fall” “Divide and conquer” “Many hands make light work” and similar. In a biological sense, this alludes to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">biological altruism </i>an aspect of <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Evolutionary Game Theory’ which is concerned with strategic decision making amongst a group, cooperative behaviour ensures the survival of the group as a whole, which seems to be at odds with Darwinian (survival of the fittest/Competitive) theory.</div>
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Regardless of the science behind it, it is clear that there is strength in numbers, if one is vulnerable, two is less so, three is stronger still and so on and so forth, and yet romantic woo-woo, with a side order of social convention has meant that for the purposes of family, romantic and sexual partnership only comes in twos.</div>
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And we, very often, sacrifice a great part of our being to become one of two, in a way we would not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have to</i> as one of four or five.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a single person, it is important for you to take care of all your needs, to earn money to pay all your bills, to feed yourself, clothe yourself and take care of yourself when you are sick. As one half of a couple, you make an exchange, I will take care of some of your needs if you will take care of some of mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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So, what is wrong with this model?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Admittedly, many people are 1) Satisfied with their lives as Lone Wolves, they do not need anyone, nor do they want anyone complicating their lives and 2) The pair bond strategy, when it works is very efficient, providing<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>there is ample room for self actualising within the partnership. Bearing in mind the heavily socialised gender roles of yester year, in a world where your only expectation was to be a wife and mother or being able to earn enough money to keep your wife and offspring healthy and happy, well there may have been little room to explore other aspect of your personalities and/or passions.</div>
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But times have changed, many of us are over burdened by the pressures of just existing within this social framework. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Till</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Death do us Part</i> was easy when life expectancy was 40. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Juggling the pressures of modern life and trying to be a whole person is exhausting, but carving up some of the demands of this modern life means we may have the opportunity to be who we need to be, whether that is being able to become an overseas volunteer, march against some injustice, spend a few months as a contemplative on a mountaintop or even just to have a career that takes a lot of time, these things are often incompatible with a fulfilling family life, having and raising children are seen as sacrifices to which you <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">must</b> put all other needs aside until they are grown. To do otherwise is selfish. </div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But is this a necessity of child rearing in itself, or just a by-product of the system? It is my belief that it is system that needs changing not people. Depending on how many children you have and how they are spaced out, you can spend thirty or forty years of your lifespan raising children to adulthood. What if children were able to benefit from their parents being more fulfilled and enriched rather than stressed out guardians?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would the nature of adulthood look like if we did not need to take a sabbatical from self actualising until middle age? </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>This is a good idea, why isn’t everyone doing it?</u></b></div>
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Because the form that has persevered through social tradition, is maintained by Woo-Woo romance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do I mean by Woo-woo romance? </div>
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Our popular <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sex and the City</i> era terms such as ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The one</b>’ ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Your Soul mate</b>’ ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">your other half</b>’ are exactly such mystical romantic WooWoo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the great power of woo, two people are destined to be together and will each fill each others needs so completely that it is clear that they need to be together to the exclusion of <b>all</b> others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is that strong belief in romantic Woo which earns millions of revenue for Hollywood’s Rom-Com Industry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Woo makes people believe that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Passion</i> is synonymous with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jealousy </i>and if a man is really possessive, he must love you even more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Monogamy is completely and totally reinforced by the idea that there is One True Love out there for everyone and if you have two beaux, one of them is definitely <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">not </b>true and, at some point, he will let you down by being immoral, stupid or passionless…..Welcome to the WooWoo world of black and white romantic relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we know, life is not really like that, falling in love with someone whilst already in one romantic relationship does not mean you no longer love your partner and many hearts and relationships have been broken and many people have been wracked by guilt at being the heartless bugger who caused it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, it persists and many of us who accept Polyamory have an uphill battle to re-condition ourselves away from WooWoo romance and towards healthy functional relationships that rely less on mysticism and more on communication and yes, jolly hard work. </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>So why bother?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></u></b></div>
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Because serial monogamy is very destructive, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to society, to families and to individuals, it creates a sense of failure and insecurity and when the person expected to be your “one and only” and breaks faith with you, by not living up to your expectations the resulting pain and resentment can last years and effect future generations.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Is it possible to be an uncritical and unexamined Poly?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></u></b></div>
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Yes, very much so, especially if you may consider yourself Polyamorous without actually having a practical experience of living as such. Or, if you are still working within the framework of existing gender and social norms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Poly, like any other lifestyle can be entered into selfishly with little care or regard in creating healthy, functional relationships. When entered into with an open mindset and with the best intentions of making your Poly relationships work for everyone, there will not only be physical practical benefits but also personal benefits which are rewarding pay offs for all the hard work you have put into it.. </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>And when it is done well?</u></b></div>
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Living any kind of functional Poly is like working towards a Master’s in Communication Skills, at the very least you will grow into a person who will be able to make themselves heard in relationships, who will let go of dysfunctional passive-aggressive communication and become self assertive in getting their own needs met.</div>
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Sharing the pain, the additional support of other partners means never having to say you’re “fine” when you are not "fine" because your single other partner in a dyad may have a greater need than you. </div>
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Becoming a whole person and fulfilling your potential should be at the forefront of our personal path but instead we have been brainwashed into believing that we ought to be responsible to society first and we have been bound into it by our responsibilities and our over reliance on existing familial structures. </div>
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In conclusion, I feel that living in Poly Families can enable not only strength in the unit, but allow for a great deal of growth for the individuals within it, not just the kind of growth one gains from being in a larger or more complex family, but also the sort of personal growth which comes with learning complex communication skills and with working towards your personal goals, some of which may never be obtained due to the stress of modern life and socially imposed productivity.</div>
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*Privilege Check</div>
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Some people never meet one person they want to share their lives with, some dyads never expand to include more. Some Poly families can not take advantage of these benefits due to personal limitations of specific special needs.Not every person who wants to receive these benefits will get a chance to, but as always it is something to consider as we look into expanding our families to include more partners than social norms allocates us.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-22858977019670767502012-03-28T22:34:00.000+01:002014-03-12T13:51:42.068+00:00Why Unicorn Hunting is exercising Couple Privilege - The trouble with triads<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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We have been discussing <a href="http://apolyglot.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/The%20Trouble%20with%20Triads">the trouble with triads</a> so far, from a relationship point of view, how difficult they are, how much work they take and how the assumptions people make about them (that they are <i>balancing</i> or take less<i> time management</i> or <i>less liable to cause jealousy issues</i>* ) are flawed, yet I don’t think we have touched on why they are unpopular in Politically aware Poly communities.</div>
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Despite the Triads unusually high failure rate (even by Poly standards) there is always a steady stream of couples entering into the Poly community looking for a third to join them. A recent quick survey of new couples advertising on a popular Polygamous site showed a massive 51% of couples explicitly requesting a bisexual woman, compare that to the only 10% of single women who identified as such, since there is only one single woman, bi or straight, to four couples to begin with, these couples are very much limiting their options, so why does the fantasy persist?</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Part of the reason for its popularity is simply down to pornography – a permanent <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hawt </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(but loving) threesome is a fantasy for many men and bisexual women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another is the fact that female bisexuality is (relatively) socially acceptable so many more women are coming out to their husbands and no longer suppressing this aspect of themselves. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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You just never see that level of female acceptance of male bisexuality.</div>
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In the small secular/non denominational Polygamous community people tend to be more mainstream and unaware of alternative socio-political analysis, their only exposure to non monogamy tends to come from a more religious model like HBO’s Big Love or TLC’s Sisterwives and they wish to adapt that model and be inclusive of their sexuality. Even those who have previously explored Polyamory by having short lived triad or female secondary relationships tend to see their desire for a permanent triad as an extension of their dyadic marriage, rather than a radical re-thinking of the standard narrative/paradigm.</div>
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There is a small crossover between the secular/liberal and the devout/Biblical members of this community which means that there is some controversy with seeking a “bisexual sisterwife” usually these are in the forms of Biblical objections to Homosexuality, often countered with the injunctions being male specific, therefore the unicorn seekers get a fairly comfortable ride in this community. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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As I alluded to<a href="http://natjasnatterings.blogspot.co.uk/2010/10/are-you-sister-or-wife.html"> previously,</a> I think the term <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">bisexual sisterwife</b> is a unfortunate neologism, using terms picked from one source, combined with their sexuality to create…the perfect Frankenstein’s Poly Bride, one that can be joined with, shared, enjoyed, played with, had, and slept with by "both of us"*.</div>
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The blatant objectifying of this unknown bisexual female seems to miss these couples. </div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>The Polyamory community<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>being LGBT friendly and women focused makes it a natural place for bisexual women to gravitate towards. However the community has been wary of couples seeking a third "to complete them"* for traditionally two main reasons, <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8682771620167266255" name="OLE_LINK2"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8682771620167266255" name="OLE_LINK1"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">t</span></a>he well examined <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_privilege"><b>Male privilege</b></a> and the particular to Polyamory neologism <b><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8682771620167266255" name="OLE_LINK1"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">Couple privilege </span></a></b> (both of which are well- and humorously - illustrated <a href="http://tacit.livejournal.com/343816.html">here</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">)</span></div>
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A good Poly community will explain their objections and advise seekers to be more flexible and let relationships grow organically, a bad community will just mock them, not explain their objections to Unicorn hunting and run them off the site. Recently, the terms, Unicorn or HBB have the ability to cause such flame wars that many communities now have taken on an 'ignore and maybe it will go away tactic' preferring for people to discover why triads rarely work...the hard way.</div>
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Male privilege, as in the traditionally Polygynous societies, is simply that a man will need to be assured that his is the only penis in the relationships (AKA <b>OPP</b> one penis policy) this male need not challenge any preconceived, unenlightened notions of female ownership, female submission and female promiscuity, since he is a man, he need not feel threatened by the female/female relationship since it is inherently inferior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For these men, entering Poly can give the illusion of being progressive whilst still avoiding the fact that he is limiting his partner’s freedom of choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By claiming, that because they are limited by gender (by virtue of being a straight man) their partner has the same limitation, is ignoring the fact of their partners possible ability to bond with both genders and is thereby evoking male privilege.</div>
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Couple Privilege is when a couple, for all intents and purposes work as a single unit to preserve and enhance their primary dyad above all things. This is the main purpose of the hierarchical <b>primary/secondary</b> forms of Polyamory . However, many couples who seek a triad do not realise that their actual seeking of a bisexual female is a form of couple privilege at work.</div>
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<i>Question: Well isn’t asking for a bisexual female stating a preference that would suit your family, like asking for someone who likes outdoor leisure pursuits because we are outdoorsy or someone who likes kids because we have five??</i></div>
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Answer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That appears to be a valid point until you realise that pointing out that you are outdoorsy and have many children has as much to do with her happiness and comfort as it does yours and your family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If she hates country pursuits she may be unhappy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If she dislikes children not only will she be unhappy but she may, by extension make your children stressed and uncomfortable by her presence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a description of who you are and she needs to know you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, asking for her to be ‘bisexual’ you are making a request that would make YOU happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have jointly decided that this is this is the form of relationship you want and it is the only type of woman who will fit the bill is someone who has the appropriate sexuality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The assumption is then made that because she is bisexual, she will be sexually interested in both members of the couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is actually a <a href="http://www.wisegeek.com/what-does-heteronormative-mean.htm">heteronormative</a> biphobic assumption that bisexuals are not discriminating, that anything goes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therefore if a man is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">offering up </i>his wife a sexual partner than naturally she will take it, since she will want to have sex with the woman by virtue of her being attached to the man she wants. Not because she is independently sexually attracted to her, alternatively since her role is to be a wife for him also, if her leanings are more geared towards the female of the relationship she will not be fulfilling her obligation to him. Either way, she is expected to be sexually available to both partners since they made it a condition of their relationship.</div>
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<i>Question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, so that does not pertain to us, we only pointed out that “the wife is bisexual so it is ok if she is too” how is that wrong?</i></div>
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Answer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well first of all by stating that you are still indicating an expectation that bisexual = sexually available for the wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it so unbelievable to<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that there may have two bisexual women in a room and neither one may want to have sex with the other?</div>
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Language is important, why state your/your wife's sexuality unless it will open up the possibility of a sexual relationship?</div>
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<i>Question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My wife is bisexual, we only looked into this lifestyle so she can get her needs fulfilled.</i></div>
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Answer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a very common experience but I am frankly confused as to why you would then look for a woman to love both of you (super hard) then just her alone (relatively easy)?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking for a woman to be a part of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">your </b>relationship in the capacity of partner to you <b>both</b> means her status is dependent only on her continuing active bisexuality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If one of her relationships is not working for her, her other relationship is threatened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Imagine being told <i>"Sleep with him or I will dump you"</i>and you have the most obvious problem with this mindset. It may not be explicitly stated but it is the underlying threat. There is a vaguely sexually coercive tactic to entering into a relationship with the unenlightened non flexible unicorn hunters and it is not reasonable, it is not egalitarian and yes, it is couple privilege. This is also part of the <i>'if I am involved too I won't be jealous' </i>assumption which is a pernicious mistake about the triad structure which sadly has too few working triads around to kill off completely. </div>
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Stating that you are seeking a unicorn is akin to a single man claiming he wants to marry a flight attendant, and a single woman stating she will only date doctors, it may seem reasonable, it may seem like free choice but it is still objectifying, classifying people by an arbitrary role, rather than who they are. It can be insecure and destabilising for the unicorn and if the couple are not examining their relative privilege the unicorns role will not be an equal partner, just a equal plaything. </div>
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<br /></div>
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* All terms have been used in seeking posts/profiles by actively seeking couples.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<u>Useful links on this topic</u></div>
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Franklin's <a href="http://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Dos and Don'ts for Happy Polyamorous Relationships </span></a>and <a href="http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html">Guide to dating a couple</a></div>
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Wonderful blog post concerning the<a href="http://polytripod.blogspot.co.uk/2009/11/one-penis-policy.html?zx=52f40cc7b1f5a22f"> OPP</a> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bi Poly Kinky's feelings about <a href="http://bipolykinky.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/dtmfa.html?zx=259a23341990c6f5">dating a couple</a>.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-27061628421934285142011-11-09T23:24:00.001+00:002011-11-13T01:30:07.298+00:00Polyamourous Ideology – How Monogamy enslaved the West<div class="MsoNormal"><i><b> </b></i>We live in an idealistically Monogamous (but commonly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">serially</i> monogamous) culture, which evolved out of the city States systems in classical civilisations, adopted by early Roman Christianity and spread out from there, taken up by Ashkenazi Jews in the Middle Ages and during the Ages of Conquest and Imperialism, the “West” (Protestant England and Catholic France and Spain) forced Monogamy as a Christian virtue to the peoples of the Americas, Asia and Africa.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, for the past few thousand years Monogamy was seen as a hallmark of civilisation, Polygamous cultures being backwards, less evolved. You still see evidence of this mindset with comments suggesting women who choose non monogamous family structures are badly educated, weak willed or bad mothers, doing a disservice to themselves and/or their families. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Those of us who choose non-monogamy for ourselves often like to appeal to the romantic libertarianism of the mainstream “Look, what effect does my life have on you”? we ask “We just want the right to live and love as we please”. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It is a tactic that has served the gay community very well these last few decades but I am going to address a different point, the point that yes, Monogamy is the current standard, but it is a standard that has been cultured and put forward as the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">One True Way</b>, not because it is easier or even because it is more stable but because it was a form of social control. Entrusting that a family was smaller with less breadwinners available meant that a man was more likely to be tied to providing for his family regardless of whether he was being exploited, the family was more mobile, moving from place to place, breaking old tribal ties, women were removed from working outside the home by virtue of having sole responsibility of raising and bearing the children of the family.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">City States controlled who was entitled to become a member of their society, citizenship allowing a certain amount of wealth creation. If citizenship is denied to non legitimatised children, it allowed the State to control who had access to citizenry and therefore restricting wealth creation and political power to a privileged few, those who had the permission from the State.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"> The Industrial revolution furthered the rot, ensuring that the nuclear family became the norm, so the extended family structure became obsolete as young families moved to the Industrial heartlands, this meant the last Western intra-family support systems were lost and we became a culture that required institutionalised or paid child and Geriatric care for the less able members of our family, again, allowing the State to administer to our families and therefore control us. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I think it is ironic that familial structures designed to ensure the prosperity and well being of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family</i> have continually been eroded to the greater benefit of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">State</i> whilst a very unnatural and isolating (and very unsustainable without <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">very </b>strong social sanctions, as evidenced by our divorce rates) family structure (the Nuclear family aka the heterosexual State sanctioned dyad) has become a social and romantic ideal to the extent that anything outside of this ideal is seen as perverse, lacking, unromantic, infantilising, backwards and abusive, depending on the particular non standard family structure. It is important, to learn of and be aware of, the fact that the Western ideal is just that, an <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">ideal, </b>that very few members of this society of the world, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">can</b> or <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">have</b> partook in. Most of us will fail at Monogamy, serial Monogamy being the real standard of our culture. Trading people in for a new model because the old one just is not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly</i> what you want forever…..broken hearts and families being the norm as if it is the ‘evolved’ way, since we only get one at a time, we had better make sure that one is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">perfect</b>! Meaning of course, no one can ever live up to the expectation of perfection.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In today’s multicultural, post <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sexual Revolution</i> West, where many more people are accepting of the different forms of family, Single, blended, gay, extended. Poly families have remained on the margins, staying below the radar because of social sanctions (Polyamory and the fear of female sexual empowerment paradigm) or legal ones (Polygamy, Muslims and Mormons and fear of the ‘other’ paradigm). Poly families had to form their own social networks or face the same sort of isolation and lack of support that these forms of families were designed to counteract. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Going into the 21<sup>st</sup> century, we face an uncertain economic and social future, gone are the days when a single modest level breadwinner can keep a 2.4 family in all of today’s modern essentials. The young are priced out of the housing market and staying at home to raise your child is a luxury many women can’t afford to choose. The State demand that Mothers work and so, more and more early childcare providers are created, ensuring that the cycle of consumerism is self maintained while the state collects the VAT, income taxes and all other tax revenues. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I still don’t believe that Poly living is for everyone, mostly because, despite what we may want, we are conditioned into being selfish and not communal. Sharing has been socialised out of us, women fear losing their spouse, men suffer from ownership issues left over from Patriarchy and overall there is a great amount of selfish traits being cultured in our society, meaning many adults remain in suspended adolescence long after their teenage years have ended. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">However, I do believe that now is the time when we start to put away childish things, realise that we have been and are still <i>being</i> manipulated by the Romantic Myth, in a post industrial society, will we try to struggle to maintain a Status Quo that benefits the State and not our family? Like The Matrix, we could take the blue pill and continue to aim for the white picket fence or we could take the red pill, see the manipulation for what it is, and work towards a more fulfilling and emotionally honest life. The real world is hard yes, but in the Matrix, we will always feel that something is not quite right.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-70769041891320898042011-06-11T11:55:00.000+01:002011-06-11T11:55:19.185+01:00Expectations<div class="MsoNormal">A by-product of seeking and finding is the high expectation placed on the person found. We all have expectations of course, we may be influenced by the positive aspects of the Poly relationships we see on TV, who doesn’t want the love, support and community in their lives as shown by the large Polygamists families (real) Brown and (fictional) Henrickson? Problems occur when we do not let go of these expectations and allow our families to develop the way they are going to develop, free of any person in the relationship trying to mould it into an ideal vision of what they think a successful Poly family entails . </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">For example, how many women have advertised that they want a woman who will be their best friend, but what if she isn’t? Does this devalue her ‘rightness’ for your family? I will illustrate my thoughts with an example I wish to call the ‘Janelle Brown effect aka <b>JBE</b>'. Janelle, second wife in a long standing and successful Polygamous Brown family from the Sisterwives programme, </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://sharetv.org/images/sister_wives/cast/large/janelle_brown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://sharetv.org/images/sister_wives/cast/large/janelle_brown.jpg" width="150" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">She is a direct counter to the <b><i>best friends forever!!!! </i></b><i></i>mindset littering seeking ads written by wives and I will break down the most common requirements for Sisterwife BFFs.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">BFF: Someone to go shopping with.</div><div class="MsoNormal">JBE: Janelle has stated once that she doesn’t want to shop with Meri, Robin and Christine because they spend so much time mucking around instead of shopping.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">BFF: Someone to cook with</div><div class="MsoNormal">JBE : Janelle is quite happy to let Christine be the domestic Goddess of the wives.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">BFF: Someone to clean with.</div><div class="MsoNormal">JBE: Note Janelle’s face when confronted with the chaos of the cabin in episode 7, series 2.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">BFF: Someone to talk to when husband is out at work all day.</div><div class="MsoNormal">JBE: Janelle is the first person up and out of the Brown home in the morning and usually does not return until 7pm.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">BFF: Girl time!!!! </div><div class="MsoNormal">JBE: Alone time!!!!!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Janelle doesn’t fit in with the sisterwife expectations and yet she fits in <b>perfectly well </b>in her family because she is allowed to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">who she is</i> with her own strengths and weaknesses. Some sisterwives will not be BFFs but they will be friends and/or sisters, some will end up as partners </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We can only have strong lasting relationships when we allow them to develop naturally, who is to say that daily mani-pedi gossip sessions are more valuable to your family than a woman who knows how to sort out your finances, do the plumbing or run the family business? </div><div class="MsoNormal"> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-63615044758037551352011-04-06T14:58:00.000+01:002011-04-06T14:58:10.105+01:00The impenetrable fortress<div class="MsoNormal">There is no doubt that a couple must have a strong and healthy relationship before they think of opening up, they must be prepared for the changes a Poly life will bring to their relationship (well, as prepared as one <i>can</i> be)and their family and even when you expect it, still allow for it being even harder than that! Because long term monogamy allows you to get to know a person so well, to have habits and some unspoken communications and if you happen to have very good open communication and a no secrets policy with each other also, well that makes for a pretty good base to start with.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">To an outsider just meeting you, this strength is encouraging, it communicates that this isn’t a desire borne out of lack of satisfaction with each other, seeing how well a couple communicate with each other proves that they have learnt the skills for good communication, for the person interested but not emotionally invested, this is a good thing.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Fast forward some time and this strength seems less a strong admirable thing, but that outsider now wants to be inside this circle of strength and it feels a bit more like an impenetrable fortress. When does this happen? At what point do these issues start to arise? Well who knows? It, like everything varies between people but it is an important thing to be aware of. A new partner might at one point feel proud and secure when s/he tells antagonists that ‘No, they have a wonderful relationship, nothing was wrong with them et al’ but months later, when emotions are invested and these people are all living together, the habits a couple have together can mean the newbie can be an after thought or forgotten accidentally. The unspoken communication can feel like a secret language that you are not and might never have, the no secrets policy between them as well as shared history and shared confidences can feel like a depressing obstruction to getting to know them as well as they know each other</div><div class="MsoNormal">. </div><div class="MsoNormal">There is no way to prevent this from happening but being aware that this can occur means you can open a dialogue, recognise where the pain comes from and find inclusion strategies to help. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-43990325028412520632011-02-25T23:06:00.000+00:002011-02-25T23:06:53.885+00:00It's all about sex - The trouble with triads 4One of the great problems with sexual practises outside heteronormative standards is the fact that we all know that they have already been sexualised in pornography. A common theme in the Pornographic film is the 'Threesome' scene, usually FMF(bisexual females), though occasionally MFM (heterosexual males) the sexual orientation distinction being made due to the overwhelmingly male heterosexual audience in pornography. <br />
<br />
Is it unsurprising that people in general lack respect for triad relationships when their only cultural trope is the 'porno threesome scene' ? When was the last time you saw a triad relationship that had nothing to do with sex in our culture? We see the triad through the prism of sex. Generally, three people in a romantic sense is called a 'love triangle' and is a source of conflict. It is a romantic 'vee' two people both fighting for the attention of a hinge. <br />
<br />
Even though the threesome is a common scene in pornography, the popular media is no stranger to this trope, I have seen suggestions of a threesome in comedy, dramas and even television advertisements for men care products. The overwhelming message we get is 'this is fun if you are young, free and single however if you are mature, it is a big, threatening mistake but you can get past it, because it is only sex' the idea that three people might LOVE each other and that sex is secondary to the relationship is alien to heteronormative dyadic society. <br />
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With triads, more so than with Poly Vees (because Poly Vees already have a less sexualised cultural standard with Polygamy) it is up to the politically motivated of us in triadic relationships to at the very least, <i>reclaim</i> our relationships from the Pornographic sphere, bring the notion of romantic love, mutual commitment and friendship and extend it to triadic relationships. It is an extension of our Polyamorous standards anyway, if we acknowledge and put forth the notion that our polyamorous relationships in general are not about sex, why do we find it so hard to break the stronghold of 'threesome' sex from the cultural norms of general society? <br />
<br />
When you say you have a triad the first thing people think is 'threesome sex' but when someone states that they are in a monogamous relationship, sex isn't usually the first thing they think about, they think love and romance, friendship and companionship.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-13090987834184972002010-12-05T22:45:00.000+00:002010-12-05T22:45:48.416+00:00Bi In bed, Hetero in the head<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Seen in comments recently:</span> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><em>‘People might judge us, but my husband and I like to enjoy another female from time to time’</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><em>‘He is straight, I am bi, and we would love a woman to join our marriage’</em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As emotionally confusing it is when someone rejects the political/social labels of ‘Bisexual, sexually fluid, queer or pansexual’ whether this decision is made because of ingrained self hatred, strict religious codes in their community or fear of homophobia by ‘coming out’ there something a bit worse than not accepting who or what you are, this is about not recognising the limits to your sexuality and how it might effect others around you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This situation is an elephant in the room with a lot of Unicorn seekers but what comes across from many of the women is that they <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>are ‘Bi in the bed’ by that, I mean, although they might be comfortable with the label, they have not examined further than their sexual desires.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having a full and healthy romantic relationship with their husbands, (which is obviously strong enough for them to seek out Poly together) they concentrate a lot on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sex</i> with other women, whether they actually <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">want, need</b> or <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">are capable of</b> another romantic partnership in their lives. They might be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘Missing a woman’s touch’</i> but they haven’t examined their ability to form a romantic relationship with another woman.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very often, they have been soft swingers, but more often than not, they are women turned off by casual encounters, but instead of looking for a secondary partner, they get enamoured by the idea of having a HBB at home on tap.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Sexuality is a spectrum, we are not either/or, hetero, bi or homo, there are many different configurations, some people are sexually attracted to both genders but do not have the desire or capacity to form a strong romantic relationships with those of either the opposite or the same sex.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">When a woman is only bi in bed than the onus of maintaining a romantic relationship falls to the Male, essentially making the relationship an andro-focused Vee with occasional threesomes or even dyadic sex between the women when the mood strikes them. The friendship between the women gets tried and tested as they begin to fight over the attentions of their romantic focus, their sexual relationship wanes because they don’t have the love to sustain it and the relationship eventually either breaks up or become a Vee, in the same way as the ‘I wasn’t as bi as I thought’ Poly Trope.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There isn’t a problem with being bi in bed, as long as everyone in the relationship knows this and knows what to expect. Consider, before you open your marriage whether it is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">only</b> ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a woman’s touch’</i> that is missing from your life, you might want to think about dating women and see how your emotional relationships with women develop before you claim to offer up a primary romantic as well as sexual triad, because a background of sexy threesomes is not enough of a basis for believing that you are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bi in the head</i> as well as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bi in the bed</i>.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><br />
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</div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-87392522170319034942010-10-18T20:38:00.000+01:002010-10-18T20:38:11.682+01:00Dear Santa"<strong>Wanted </strong><br />
<br />
New child for expanding family. Must have average build, curly (but not hard to handle) hair, large eyes and a pert nose. No chubbies or bad skin please. My husband and I are really easy going and would like you to be also, we worship regularly at the Jedi Knight Temple and expect you to do so too. We are outdoorsy and we go camping every summer so you'd better get used to it for the next 18 years! :o)<br />
If you are a boy, please be aware that you will be required to attend ball games as and when requested. If you are a girl, please be prepared for being dressed in a manner that I feel is 'cute' regardless of age and also having your sexuality controlled as long as you are under my roof.<br />
I can't wait for you to arrive, I know it will be hard but I can cope."<br />
..........................................................................................<br />
<br />
Seem a bit on the unbelievable side does it? Well compare it to this:-<br />
<br />
<em>"Hello everyone my name is 'JohnDoes<strong>wife</strong>' I am 30 years old and have been married for 10 years, we have two beautiful children and live in 'Everywhere, USA'. We are Christians but don't belong to any particular church. For some time I have felt that something was <strong>missing </strong>and now I realise that what <strong>I actually want</strong> in my life is a Sisterwife, <strong>my husband and I</strong> are looking for a Sisterwife to <strong>join</strong> our family. My husband is very handsome, a good provider and the very best husband a woman can ask for (If I do say so myself). I know it will be <strong>hard sharing my husband</strong> but I am <strong>fully prepared</strong> for it . Also, I am bi, so ideally we would want a woman who would have an <strong>equal relationship to us both"</strong></em><br />
<strong><br />
</strong><br />
Have you seen this profile?<br />
I have, dozens and dozens of times, perhaps there are slight variations, ages, how long married, how many kids, more or less religious and sometimes not bisexual, but the basic message is the same. I want me a woman, now please!<br />
I don't want anyone to get offended by my generic 'Seeking' post if it seems to be familiar because I am NOT picking on you. This is actually the most common seeking post there is, <em>almost</em> every wife or husband posting a seeking ad in the poly-fi world has written this or one of its many variations.<br />
<br />
I have seen people in their 50's requesting women under 30. Couples saying that they want someone who doesn't want to work, they believe in quiverful and want lots of children. I have seen couples saying we <strong>HAVE to</strong> share a bed because that is the best way to dissipate jealousy.<br />
<br />
What I feel by all these statements and many more is, you don't want a new family member, you want a new fantasy. This goes beyond the horror of the Unicorn Hunt (for more details of unicorn hunting and why you should not, categorically <strong>NOT</strong> do it, click <a href="http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2009/02/02/the-care-and-feeding-of-unicorns/">here</a>) this is about how people, whether they are unicorn hunting or not, are looking for someone to JOIN their family, without any sort of expectation that they are actually CHANGING their families. They focus on the superficial (albeit important in their own way) things and seem blissfully oblivious that it has nothing to do with 'sharing' what is 'hers' with another woman, it is being prepared to have a completely different life and relationship to that which you had before.<br />
<br />
When Jack met Jill, they had a totally different relationship as young newlyweds than they will have after Baby JJ is born. People expect a new baby to be a game changer, true, some parents do have expectations, sometimes unreasonable ones but hopefully when they realise that little JJ doesn't want to play ball or be a ballerina, they will back off and let JJ be who they need to be, they realise that Baby JJ is their own unique person whom they will have to adjust to, they don't consider sending JJ back to sender with a big red '<span style="color: red;">Defective</span>' stamped on his/her forehead.<br />
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Why, when so many seeking couples post ads, they don't take it to account, that like baby JJ, any adult woman wanting a poly relationship has hopes, dreams, history and a lifestyle of her own, if you understand and respect that, than you would have to understand that you are <u>blending</u> your families, not having someone JOIN your relationship, She will have her own unique relationship to each of the other adults (and the children, a fact that is very often ignored) of her own. This will affect the whole dynamic of the family, it will, like the birth of a child, destabilise the home, there will be a long period of adjustment and then when you come out at the other side, your family and your family relationships will be different than before, sometimes drastically so. <br />
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So can someone explain to me why when Jenny meets Jack and Jill, neither of them seems prepared for any game changers, they want someone that fits into their lives seamlessly, it is something that extends beyond 'having shared interests and goals' and becomes needing someone who will be exactly who the couple want her to be, including in some cases, having a sexual and romantic desire for each other adult in the house equally (and any deviation from this is a no no and is considered a threat) and having their own relationship dynamic repressed to fit into the familial norms. <br />
<br />
Similarly, Jenny might have a fantasy of this great family who will be exactly what she wants, she might expect and want certain things out of it without being considerate of what they can realistically do. If she heard that Jack took Jill to Miami for a long weekend, she might want the same, disregarding the fact that with the added expense of supporting her and her offspring, they might be strapped for cash. She might not expect that Jack's dynamic with Jill is different and it is also being destabilised by her arrival, instead of feeling sensitive to the destabilisation and want things to be easy and well between Jack and Jill, she might be resentful of the dynamic and the care and attention that Jack might be giving Jill while she tries to adjust to the new changes. She might get insecure and consider them to be uncaring of her feelings, totally disregarding the fact that she isn't the only one who has it hard (and not necessarily the hardest).<br />
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If you are established couple JJ or single person J and you want to have a Poly relationship you have to become person centred, not issue centred, it is not about 'wanting someone who fits in with <em>you</em>' it is about loving someone and then finding out how you three (or more) can work together to have a successful relationship. If you want a good relationship than you have to stop thinking of what another person can do for you but what you can all do together.<br />
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The myth of the Perfect Poly relationship is that there IS such a thing. Every relationship takes work. Every Good relationship takes a lot of work, to have an Excellent relationship however, takes lots of hard work that most people just simply aren't prepared for, they want things easy, they want the benefits without the work, they think love conquers all and they believe that by staying quiet and keeping the peace, they are <em>bowing to a higher authority</em>, they believe that by screaming and shouting they are <em>making themselves heard</em>, they believe by emotionally manipulative they are <em>getting things on track.</em> They feel that by keeping secrets they are<em> promoting intimacy</em>.<br />
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When are people going to realise that these practices will destroy their relationships?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-36779870493135205922010-09-23T10:50:00.000+01:002010-09-23T10:50:48.877+01:00Intimacy and the art of patienceBeing an incoming partner in an already established relationship, there is something that might be forgotten in the drive towards feeling secure about your place within the relationship and that is <b>intimacy</b>, if you are in a comparatively new relationship with two (or more) partners who have had years to build up their intimacy levels over time, it is easy to lose perspective of this reality when faced with the evidence of this imbalance, it might easily get mixed up with general insecurity.<br />
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So what do I mean about intimacy?<br />
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Well firstly it isn’t about sex, another common mistake. <br />
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According to Wiki, <i>‘Intimacy, generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. As a verb "intimate" means "to state or make known". </i><br />
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In addition I would add that Intimacy is feeling free to be yourself 100% and the total safety and security in being accepted as yourself, warts and all. It is the lack of self consciousness that only comes in a long term relationship when you cease trying to keep up the pretence that you are flawless (and flawlessly beautiful) and amazingly hygienic without any effort at all…it is the intimacy of being able to be the occasionally spotty, farty, sicky, smelly selves. It is feeling comfortable enough to use the toilet in front of one another, not dying of embarrassment if you happen to have a bad evening of wind etc, these are not (unless you are unselfconscious to a fault) the kinds of things you feel totally comfortable with after a week, perhaps not even a few months or a year, but sometimes many years until you totally let your guard down. <br />
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You have to keep in mind that the intimacy level of <i> your</i> dyads are in the right place for the length of time of your relationships, if you were in a mono relationship you would not notice any difference, you shouldn't (though I appreciate that it is difficult <b>not</b> to) compare it to the dyads your partners have with each other, because the dyads you have are just fine the way they are and will develop at their own pace.<br />
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Intimacy takes time, it just does, you can’t rush it, though it can possibly be helped along by open and honest communication, you can’t possibly compare the intimacy levels between a relationship that is a year old, than one that is twenty years old.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-9577127463384739372010-04-30T21:10:00.006+01:002010-05-01T14:06:23.115+01:00Proud to be weird?There are many varieties of people who seek a poly life, they run across the political spectrum, they are country folk and city slickers, however according to some, people who practice polyamory (as opposed to other forms of non-monogamy) have one thing in common, they tend to be weird.<br /><br />Seriously.<br /><br />When in mixed company I am far too often aware that I am the token weirdo, there is usually a point in the conversation where I am either: a) being looked at strangely because of something I said or b) I find my eyes rolling in my head, due to the inanity of the conversation when it turns to things that more conventional people think are really fascinating. I don't, I just really don't have the ability to pass well in conventional company.<br /><br />However, in the company of most Polyamorists, I don't feel that way, in fact, I find I am often out weirded....a totally novel experience for me.<br /><br />People underestimate their ability to cope with the stresses of being 'strange' living an out poly life in a mono world might not only cause estrangement from conventional family and friends, you may, in fact, find out that you are the local weirdo/s, you might be the person/family people whisper about in the supermarket, the ones talked about by neighbours over tea. You know that local eccentric that you have thought rather nuts but basically harmless? Well that's <font style="font-weight: bold;">you</font> that is. When you decide you want to live an out Poly life, you'll have to ask yourself, how much does your standing in your community and 'fitting in' mean to you?<br /><br />Many of us who practise Poly are long time weirdos, we have non conventional ideals and interests, standing out is often expected (or even courted, to those of us belonging to subcultures with distinctive dress like Goths) and therefore, being the one pointed at, or talked about, is not new to us. Being Poly is not only about how you conduct your relationships, it is, if you choose to be out and honest about it, a lifestyle which people WILL judge you on, some will disagree with it quite vocally but harder to deal with, if it is new to you, will be your elevation into the status of 'other'.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-22469076334093903472010-03-27T23:36:00.006+00:002010-03-31T21:50:03.426+01:00The internet and the rise of the fantasy romanceI have often got into trouble for telling people their Internet romances are not real, yes there are real emotions involved, yes people can find a certain synergy with people they get to know online, but as I have said often enough, on the Internet, no one knows you are a dog.<br /><br />And there are dogs. Many of them.<br />On Internet dating sites we have now a phenomenon I like to call the F.I.P = Fake Internet Personality. This is when someone, through malicious intent or woefully pathetic attention seeking create another personality on the net in the attempt to gain attention.<br /><br />Sometimes they steal pictures from somewhere else on the net of someone else who is often younger and/or more attractive than they are. They often say they have had a terrible childhood and/or young married life that they were lucky to escape from. If you see a picture that looks like it was taken of a model in a plain professional background, chances are it is stolen from another website.<br /><br />When they gain interest from a person/s on these sites they tend to agree with everything this person or people say, becoming their ideal partner, this can fool the person courting them into thinking that this person matches them perfectly, in fact, this is a common method of attachment by F.I.P's, they want your attention and so they are going to say anything to make themselves likable, including fitting in with your lifestyle, hobbies, religion, political stance and anything else which you might form an opinion on in conversation.<br /><br />Often FIPs do not like sending pictures, they either 'don't HAVE any on their PCs' Or they are 'too shy'. You'll find that a video chat will be a no no, there is usually a good excuse at hand for that, but most often it is that they don't have a camera enabled on their machines.<br /><br />FIP relationships eventually die out once the person/s courting the FIP realise the planned meeting will never go ahead.<br /><br />There tends to be a lot of sadness left in the wake of a FIP relationship, this is because quite often people make the mistake of getting too involved with people they HAVEN'T MET!!!<br /><br />I know how easy it is, online it is safe and anonymous, you can express and be open about yourselves, you have your Internet friends who you might discuss issues with that you haven't told your RL friends, this is especially the case in ALT communities when you think that your RL friends might be judgemental about aspects of your life, whether that would be poly, kink or sexuality. People often forget that you are trusting a complete stranger to be honest with you and to be frank, people are not always honest online. They might not be FIPs but they can still be liars, it is worth being cautious until you meet a number of times before letting yourself become emotionally invested. Sadly, people not only get emotionally invested, but create a future with someone who might not be AT ALL the person that they have portrayed themselves to be, so the relationship is entirely created for the selfish pleasure of the FIP to the detriment of the person/people who are taken in by them.<br /><br />How to avoid a FIP relationship<br /><br />Firstly, when you set out to approach someone online, always bear in mind that this person is not necessarily kosher just because they have been banging around either a) A forum or b) a personals site, for a long time, they also might be popular and even have 'friends' on that site, on the Internet the rules for friendship differ than in RL, I have had friend requests from people who I have done little more for than welcome them when they joined the site.<br /><br />Keep in mind that you are getting to know a friend, even if you would eventually like them to become more, put that out of your mind until you meet them in person.<br /><br />If things are going well by email, move onto a chat facility. Before you suggest it, ask them what kind of machine they use, almost all mid range laptops have integrated web cams, so if they say they are using X machine and don't have a webcam, take that as a red light warning.<br /><br />Ask to phone them fairly early on, if they don't want you to call them or insist on calling you only at specific hours (for example, only in the day time) wonder why, is it possible that they live with a partner (a surprisingly large amount of FIPs are actually married women and men pretending to be women).<br /><br />If things are really going well via email and chat and you really want to take things further but you STILL have not seen them, because they 'don't have a webcam' tell them that you will buy one for them, say that you are on Amazon right now and you will order one, it is an offer liable to take a FIP by surprise and they often do not, at first have a good reason to tell you not to do that, often the first thing they might say is they don't want you to buy it because it would hurt their pride accepting money from you. In which case, tell them that it isn't a gift, it is a loan and they can pay you back when they get the money. An experienced FIP might counter with 'I am sorry but I am not ready to give my address out because it is not safe' this is a sensible attitude to take and because of that, it would be easy to give up, however, you can offer to send the money to her via paypal and tell her to buy it herself. If she accepts the money and doesn't buy it within a week or two, depending on how frequent your communications, cut off all contact and consider it a lucky escape, webcams are fairly cheap now and it is totally worth it for peace of mind, do not let yourself be pulled into the 'I just haven't got around to it conversation' trust me, if she was interested, she would want to see you also!<br /><br />Chatting on webcam has been a huge comfort to myself and my partners during our periods apart these long months, I know of other relationships where it has been important in building a level of intimacy in the early part of a relationship, if they don't want to do this or only want the webcam to be one sided, question why this is so.<br /><br />FIPs quite often cut off communication very suddenly, you might be having an enjoyable chat session and 'poof' he will disappear quite suddenly and either a) not come back online at all that night or b) Come back on to say that have to go, sometimes without explanation. They might have a perfectly reasonable explanation the next day which doesn't make sense like 'My sister called and was really upset' (really? Do you cut off a conversation for that reason or would you type that at the time and say a nice goodbye whilst still giving your sister her full attention on the phone?).<br />If on the phone and and he hangs up suddenly, it might be 'someone came to the door'<br /><br />Again, ask yourself this, would YOU cut off communication suddenly from someone who you are getting to know without an explanation? If it seems to be unreasonable and a fairly lightweight excuse, there is likely to be another reason behind it which is more likely to be that they were taken unawares by their spouse and had to switch off/hang up before the spouse realises what they are up to and especially in the case of the phone, before you hear their voice.<br /><br /><br /><br />Now it might be that a person might be quite happy to be seen on the webcam and/or talk on the phone, this does not mean that they are NOT FIPs, a person who is married and pretends to be single is still a FIP, but they might not have the insecurity aspect that some FIPs may have, so don't take the fact that you know what they look like as sound evidence that they are kosher. Some FIPs have partners in the military or work long/awkward hours, some FIPs have jobs which allow them plenty of time to go on the net/use the phone, I used to do a sleeping in job which gave me plenty of time to indulge in webchat and phone calls and I was married at the time, were I inclined to be a FIP, it was the perfect job for it!<br /><br />However, the number one best way to avoid a FIP relationship is to wait until you meet someone in person before you get emotionally involved, visit them, let them visit you, make sure all the things they say add up, make sure that the personality they gave out online corresponds to the person you see before you. I know in this world of instant communication and the feeling that we are living in a small world, it is SO easy to get involved with someone who lives outside of your geographical region and people, especially people keen for a partner and want to rush things, but let caution be your guide, if someone is right for you, than they would be worth the wait until you can meet.<br /><br />Being taken in by an FIP has its own particular brand of pain, not only for the loss of the relationship but also, the fact that you eventually find out that there wasn't a relationship to begin with, that it was based upon a person that doesn't exist, that it was just fantasy on your part, that can be terribly humiliating especially if you have publicised your relationship.<br /><br />Until then, no matter how tempting, keep things non emotive and light, FIPs don't have patience, if they think that you are not falling for their act, they will move onto another victim and you would have saved yourself a world of hurt.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-83849702721526301202010-03-05T10:39:00.002+00:002010-03-06T18:42:03.716+00:00Bare Necessities<span style="color: black; font-family: georgia;">To expand on my recent post on my personal blog about Single Issue dating</span> <a href="http://natjasnatterings.blogspot.com/2010/03/single-interest-dating.html">(Read it here) </a><span style="color: black; font-family: georgia;">, I have written some guidelines about what people should be looking out for when they are open to finding a new partner, whether they are seeking a poly or a mono relationship.<br />
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There are three essential elements when getting to know a person who you are are interested in, without these elements being in sync with yourself and your family, your chances of having a happy home life is greatly reduced.<br />
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They are:<br />
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<b>Worldview</b><br />
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If your politics, your ideals regarding social issues or your religious convictions are widely different, forget it! Our worldview is the backbone to our principles and who wants to compromise their principles or expect others to compromise theirs, just to get a partner? Is it worth it?<br />
If you are a vegetarian, green, liberal would you expect to have a successful relationship with a hunter who constantly instructs you on the fact that those evil commies are trying to take away their gun rights?<br />
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If you are a Christian family do you expect to start a relationship with an atheist who might mock your beliefs normally? Would you hope to convert them? Should anyone have to live with such pressure?<br />
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At the end of the day, although someones age, looks and sexuality seems to fit what you want, it is their worldview which helps to shape the person<b> that they are</b>, ignoring that and relying on superficial things to guide your courtship will definitely lead to disaster.<br />
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<b>Aims</b><br />
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Similar to worldview, your aims for the future are often guided by the above, how the home will run once the new person joins? Do you want someone to be at home all the time? Do you want children in the relationship? I have seen people who state on forums that they expect any woman they date to be a housewife and mother and then start flirting with Ms. Smith who says that her job is really important to her!!<br />
Why do this?<br />
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Similarly, if you have widely divergent aims when it comes to having and disciplining the children you already have, you are looking at major marital disharmony, if they don't believe in sparing the rod and you believe that beating children is abusive, how on earth do you expect anything to work? No one <b>ever</b> likes their parenting techniques being criticised, if you want a harmonious homelife, make certain that this is an issue you are all agreed on, even if none of you have children yet, it can save a great deal of pain.<br />
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Also location, if you live in the middle of a rural wilderness and they live in the city and don't want to move too far from it, discuss that beforehand, it might be that they are hoping you would move and you are hoping that they will, but location means a lot more to someone than where they live, it's about being comfortable with the facilities and convenience of the location, if they are social people used to going out every weekend and might be bored senseless on your small farm a mile away from the nearest neighbours, please take that into consideration.<br />
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<b>Interests</b><br />
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Your interests and passions are just as important in a relationship as any thing else, long relationships can wither and die when the people involved realise they have little of shared interest outside of the running of the home and trust me, it will be discovered eventually.<br />
If your idea of a good time is curling up with a good book and his is dancing the night away, is this a good match? If family activities are mostly centered around the great outdoors and it might be their idea of hell, this is just a huge store of resentment waiting to explode when the new person in the relationship feels they either they have to conform to the group activity(and be miserable) or be left out when others go off and enjoy themselves (and be equally miserable and lonely to boot) it is just a bad situation. </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: georgia;">If one of your pet peeves happens to be reality television and the couple you are courting are addicted to them, this might be a constant source of annoyance.<br />
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Of course there is room for a bit of compromise when it comes to interests and hobbies, neither of my partners is as passionate about films as I am, nor do I get as addicted to novels as either of them, but where they like and enjoy a good film and I like and enjoy a good book, we can meet half way with our interests. Also, I have interests in common with one or both of them and they both have some interests they share that I am less interested in, so these interests overlap meaning that there is always someone to share with and you are not boring a partner senseless talking about your love for Star Wars when they hate sci-fi.<br />
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At the end of the day, successful relationships, poly and mono, rely a great deal on chemistry, but we shouldn't allow sexual attraction (or sometimes just the mere fact that someone is single regardless of what they look like) and the fact that they will accept you, be your only guideline for going ahead with a relationship, you have to<b> like</b> a person just as much as<b> love</b> them, without that, you are left with not much else when the NRE wears off.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-66486046142959420332010-03-05T00:23:00.003+00:002010-03-05T11:04:37.753+00:00The Difference between Poly and Swinging<span style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="color:#000000;">I have seen a lot of posts recently on some anti poly websites which basically consider Polyamory as nothing more than swinging by another name, this was a post I wrote previously on this topic.<br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-family:georgia;color:#000000;">I see a HUGE difference between an emotionally and materialistically monogamous couple getting together with other couples for sexual purposes<br /><br />and<br /><br />a couple opening up their relationship to one or more people to share their lives sexually, emotionally and materially.<br /><br />Swinging by its nature is about change and variety, it is supposed to enhance the marriage of the couple by giving them an alternative sex life but keeping their home life entirely separate.<br /><br />I have only known one couple who tried swinging and they did break up, swinging wasn't the reason though, the reason was she was sick of the marriage and wanted out, desperation makes people consider things they might not normally consider just to make their marriage exciting again. So it was more the symptom than the cause.<br /><br />I do know a few single people who have had connections to the swinging world and from what I recall, what you would get is a great many of the wives in the kitchen chatting together whilst their husbands were upstairs, The consensus was that they had no interest in it themselves but their husbands would just have an affair if they didn't and they would rather see what they were getting up to.<br /><br />I don't know 100% because I have not been involved personally with swinging but from what I recall from the various conversations, is that swinging seems more male led and dominated and Poly seems more female led and dominated (though that might upset the Patriarchal folks, the stats don't lie). When women want something to work it works, when they don't, it won't work.<br /><br />So like everything, it depends greatly on the people (especially women) involved.<br />If Poly (or swinging or anything that dramatically changes the nature of a particular marriage) is used as a sticky plaster/band aid for a marriage already failing I would say work on your marriage first. If either partner is falling out of love with the other one then Poly will not help. If it isn't something that both people want and/or something they have always intended for their lives (openly, I hasten to add - saying, I always wanted to be polyamorous and so five/twenty-five years into my monogamous marriage with Jackie, I admitted it to her, does not count!) than it probably would be doomed to failure.<br /><br />If the Primary feels like s/he is being pushed into it, it will fail, if the secondary partner is only going into it because s/he likes the husband/wife (but not poly) or s/he thinks it is something cool and fashionable because it is on HBO, it will fail.<br /><br />I have never heard about a scientific survey about poly but it would be of great interest to me to be involved in a research study (my scientific brain is going just thinking about it) but you do run the risk of it not being taken seriously by the scientific establishment, after all, what do you consider a successful and healthy poly group? Those who have been together 5, 10, 15, 20 years plus? Is there a standard time line for 'successful'? What if you interview 200 poly families, who you consider successful and ten years down the line they have all divorced? As a scientist, the better option would be to follow a number of couples over a number of years monitoring them every year to check how happy, stable and functional the family are.<br /><br />You also run the risk of poly people themselves not caring for any conclusion you draw, for example, if you admit ALL poly situations you will likely have those saying 'We are not like that because we are FLDS/Christian/Patriarchal/Egalitarian/polyamorous/bisexual/open/closed/whatever.<br /><br />In other words there are so many variables that you can either choose to involve <b>everything </b>(which would mean that some will disregard how meaningful it is) or narrow it down, in which case it won't actually show the full scope of polyamorous groupings and therefore it will be scientifically useless. </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8682771620167266255.post-28851350469865375032010-03-03T16:21:00.009+00:002010-03-05T10:52:24.524+00:00Natja<div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; CLEAR: both" class="separator"><a style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 1em; FLOAT: left; CLEAR: left; MARGIN-RIGHT: 1em" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNzoeZluCre4vite3q-QVkAbhNsszd1zcwduBcosVLE_g9VX6FC7VWnijKIgoRnRRDVubKhjmkl_Xnku9zN7DgyGVH2llB910i2ji0COGS7ysbATN60rY4WsH2x1mCDfwndhCm9fe9a09o/s1600-h/natja.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNzoeZluCre4vite3q-QVkAbhNsszd1zcwduBcosVLE_g9VX6FC7VWnijKIgoRnRRDVubKhjmkl_Xnku9zN7DgyGVH2llB910i2ji0COGS7ysbATN60rY4WsH2x1mCDfwndhCm9fe9a09o/s320/natja.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family:georgia;color:#000000;">Hello I am Natja, I have a personal blog here also <span style="color:#000099;">(</span></span><a href="http://natjasnatterings.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-family:georgia;color:#000099;">Natja's blog</span></a><span style="font-family:georgia;color:#000000;"><span style="color:#000099;">)</span> about poly topics, currently in London waiting to move. I am a bit eccentric, gothic and an unabashed movie nut. I also love literature, green and social issues. I have one teenage daughter who is a bit crazy like her mother and I am prone to frequently going off topic.<br /><br />Where did I leave my glasses?</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2