Saturday, 11 June 2011

Expectations

A by-product of seeking and finding is the high expectation placed on the person found.  We all have expectations of course, we may be influenced by the positive aspects of the Poly relationships we see on TV, who doesn’t want the love, support and community in their lives as shown by the large Polygamists families (real) Brown and (fictional) Henrickson?  Problems occur when we do not let go of these expectations and  allow our families to develop the way they are going to develop, free of any person in the relationship trying to mould it into an ideal vision of what they think a successful Poly family entails .

For example, how many women have advertised that they want a woman who will be their best friend, but what if she isn’t?  Does this devalue her ‘rightness’ for your family?  I will illustrate my thoughts with an example I wish to call the ‘Janelle Brown effect aka JBE'.  Janelle, second wife in a long standing and successful Polygamous Brown family from the Sisterwives programme, 

She is a direct counter to the best friends forever!!!! mindset littering seeking ads written by wives and I will break down the most common requirements for Sisterwife BFFs.

BFF:  Someone to go shopping with.
JBE: Janelle has stated once that she doesn’t want to shop with Meri, Robin and Christine because they spend so much time mucking around instead of shopping.

BFF: Someone to cook with
JBE : Janelle is quite happy to let Christine be the domestic Goddess of the wives.

BFF: Someone to clean with.
JBE: Note Janelle’s face when confronted with the chaos of the cabin in episode 7, series 2.

BFF: Someone to talk to when husband is out at work all day.
JBE: Janelle is the first person up and out of the Brown home in the morning and usually does not return until 7pm.

BFF: Girl time!!!!
JBE: Alone time!!!!!

Janelle doesn’t fit in with the sisterwife expectations and yet she fits in perfectly well in her family because she is allowed to be who she is with her own strengths and weaknesses. Some sisterwives will not be BFFs but they will be friends and/or sisters, some will end up as partners

We can only have strong lasting relationships when we allow them to develop naturally, who is to say that daily mani-pedi gossip sessions are more valuable to your family than a woman who knows how to sort out your finances, do the plumbing or run the family business?   
  

8 comments:

  1. What a great post! I hate to see anybody saying that women (or men) live a poly lifestyle because of x, y, or z - any limited reasoning or personality traits. All people and relationships are unique. Yes, some people are poly because they want a BFF sister wife; the problem is when you start saying that that's the whole story.

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  2. Love that last paragraph. So many people seem to want to develop laundry-lists of traits that someone must have to be in a relationship. I can't even count the number of male/female couples looking for a young, attractive, bisexual female willing to move in with them and not have any other lovers who are *still looking*. But of all the male/female couples looking for that unicorn who stopped interviewing people for the job position of Our Third - every single one found happiness ... with someone they weren't expecting.

    Like my friend who was positive she and her husband could only be happy if they "shared" a woman, but who eventually found and settled down with another man and the 3 of them live quite happily together in a V, while she has a girlfriend (who she does not "share" with either of her male partners) who is also married.

    Then there's another couple who also wanted that unicorn, but who found the longest-running and most successful relationship to be in a quad with another couple, and both of the men have yet another girlfriend (same girl) outside of the quad.

    Humans are notoriously bad at predicting what will make them happy, and over and over and over again, I see married couples who were once convinced that it was a specific configuration that would make them happy, who finally did find happiness in a completely unexpected place with an unexpected person (or people).

    Instead of looking for that Perfect Person who has a list of traits, look for *values* in common, and then just see where things want to go.

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  3. (It should be noted that there is nothing wrong with triads that happen to have 2 women and one men - sometimes those things just happen to work out. It's the *expectation* that the structure is what will make you happy, not the person, that I'm talking about, and that is exactly the point of this post, as it is most clearly illustrated in the last paragraph. When that structure works, it's because of the people involved are compatible, not because the structure is the magic formula).

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  4. I agree completely, Joreth. Oddly enough (or perhaps predictably!) none of us was actually looking for a triad relationship: we just fell into it. Frankly, it was a bit of a shock to us all! Perhaps the reason it may work out better that way in the long run is that everyone is taken by surprise and nobody is bringing any particular 'triad' ideals and expectations to the relationship: you just negotiate as you go along, because you want to be together and that is more important than having everything your own way.

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  5. True enough Joreth!! Thank you for your comment.

    Natja
    x

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  6. i LOVE This post Deorccwen... alas, I think there are probably few families as well suited to each other as individuals as the Brown family. However they do what they do, they do it well...although Robin is still new and I have a feeling it may not always be smooth sailing with her..I could be wrong. I think the KEY to the Brown family success is that they each had their own space and autonomy..time will tell if the living arrangements in their new location work out as well. I think it's a leap of faith with sister wives. Expecting them to be bffs is a lot to ask. My bffs from my former life were people I chose for ME. And truthfully, though I loved them as people I don't think I could share a husband with any of them or a home. Sharing a home is just as difficult as sharing a husband in my personal opinion..Just my thoughts. As for your question on my blog..I've tried talking to hubby. Only time will tell how this all works out.
    Please keep reading and posting ..

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  7. Credit goes to Natja for this post, New#3. I think she makes an excellent point. It's so important that we love people for *who they are* rather than for *what they can do for us*. The latter is so conditional that it really can't qualify as love, in my opinion.

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you and your family.

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