Wednesday 28 March 2012

Why Unicorn Hunting is exercising Couple Privilege - The trouble with triads


We have been discussing the trouble with triads  so far, from a relationship point of view, how difficult they are, how much work they take and how the assumptions people make about them (that they are balancing or take less time management or less liable to cause jealousy issues* ) are flawed, yet I don’t think we have touched on why they are unpopular in Politically aware Poly communities.

Despite the Triads unusually high failure rate (even by Poly standards) there is always a steady stream of couples entering into the Poly community looking for a third to join them. A recent quick survey of new couples advertising on a popular Polygamous site showed a massive 51% of couples explicitly requesting a bisexual woman, compare that to the only 10% of single women who identified as such, since there is only one single woman, bi or straight, to four couples to begin with, these couples are very much limiting their options, so why does the fantasy persist?

Part of the reason for its popularity is simply down to pornography – a permanent hawt   (but loving) threesome is a fantasy for many men and bisexual women.  Another is the fact that female bisexuality is (relatively) socially acceptable so many more women are coming out to their husbands and no longer suppressing this aspect of themselves.    
You just never see that level of female acceptance of male bisexuality.

In the small secular/non denominational Polygamous community people tend to be more mainstream and unaware of alternative socio-political analysis, their only exposure to non monogamy tends to come from a more religious model like HBO’s Big Love or TLC’s Sisterwives and they wish to adapt that model and be inclusive of their sexuality.  Even those who have previously explored Polyamory by having short lived triad or female secondary relationships tend to see their desire for a permanent triad as an extension of their dyadic marriage, rather than a radical re-thinking of the standard narrative/paradigm.

There is a small crossover between the secular/liberal and the devout/Biblical members of this community which means that there is some controversy with seeking a “bisexual sisterwife” usually these are in the forms of Biblical objections to Homosexuality, often countered with the injunctions being  male specific, therefore the unicorn seekers get a fairly comfortable ride in this community. 

As I alluded to previously,  I think the term bisexual sisterwife is a unfortunate neologism, using terms picked from one source, combined with their sexuality to create…the perfect Frankenstein’s Poly Bride, one that can be joined with, shared, enjoyed, played with, had, and slept with by "both of us"*.
The blatant objectifying of this unknown bisexual female seems to miss these couples.

 The Polyamory community being LGBT friendly and women focused makes it a natural place for bisexual women to gravitate towards. However the community has been wary of couples seeking a third "to complete them"* for traditionally two main reasons, the well examined Male privilege  and the particular to Polyamory neologism Couple privilege  (both of which are well- and humorously - illustrated here.)
 A good Poly community will explain their objections and advise seekers to be more flexible and let relationships grow organically, a bad community will just mock them, not explain their objections to Unicorn hunting and run them off the site. Recently, the terms, Unicorn or HBB have the ability to cause such flame wars that many communities now have taken on an 'ignore and maybe it will go away tactic' preferring for people to discover why triads rarely work...the hard way.

 Male privilege, as in the traditionally Polygynous societies, is simply that a man will need to be assured that his is the only penis in the relationships (AKA OPP one penis policy) this male need not challenge any preconceived, unenlightened notions of female ownership, female submission and female promiscuity, since he is a man, he need not feel threatened by the female/female relationship since it is inherently inferior.    For these men, entering Poly can give the illusion of being progressive whilst still avoiding the fact that he is limiting his partner’s freedom of choice.  By claiming, that because they are limited by gender (by virtue of being a straight man) their partner has the same limitation, is ignoring the fact of their partners possible ability to bond with both genders and is thereby evoking male privilege.

Couple Privilege is when a couple, for all intents and purposes work as a single unit to preserve and enhance their primary dyad above all things. This is the main purpose of the hierarchical primary/secondary forms of Polyamory . However, many couples who seek a triad do not realise that their actual seeking of a bisexual female is a form of couple privilege at work.

 Question: Well isn’t asking for a bisexual female stating a preference that would suit your family, like asking for someone who likes outdoor leisure pursuits because we are outdoorsy or someone who likes kids because we have five??

Answer:  That appears to be a valid point until you realise that pointing out that you are outdoorsy and have many children has as much to do with her happiness and comfort as it does yours and your family.  If she hates country pursuits she may be unhappy.  If she dislikes children not only will she be unhappy but she may, by extension make your children stressed and uncomfortable by her presence.  It is a description of who you are and she needs to know you.  However, asking for her to be ‘bisexual’ you are making a request that would make YOU happy.  You have jointly decided that this is this is the form of relationship you want and it is the only type of woman who will fit the bill is someone who has the appropriate sexuality. 
The assumption is then made that because she is bisexual, she will be sexually interested in both members of the couple.  This is actually a heteronormative biphobic assumption that bisexuals are not discriminating, that anything goes.  Therefore if a man is offering up his wife a sexual partner than naturally she will take it, since she will want to have sex with the woman by virtue of her being attached to the man she wants. Not because she is independently sexually attracted to her, alternatively since her role is to be a wife for him also, if her leanings are more geared towards the female of the relationship she will not be fulfilling her obligation to him.  Either way, she is expected to be sexually available to both partners since they made it a condition of their relationship.

 Question:  Ok, so that does not pertain to us, we only pointed out that “the wife is bisexual so it is ok if she is too” how is that wrong?

Answer:  Well first of all by stating that you are still indicating an expectation that bisexual = sexually available for the wife.  Is it so unbelievable to that there may have two bisexual women in a room and neither one may want to have sex with the other?
Language is important, why state your/your wife's sexuality unless it will open up the possibility of a sexual relationship?

Question:  My wife is bisexual, we only looked into this lifestyle so she can get her needs fulfilled.

Answer:  This is a very common experience but I am frankly confused as to why you would then look for a woman to love both of you (super hard) then just her alone (relatively easy)?  Looking for a woman to be a part of your relationship in the capacity of partner to you both means her status is dependent only on her continuing active bisexuality.  If one of her relationships is not working for her, her other relationship is threatened.   Imagine being told "Sleep with him or I will dump you"and you have the most obvious problem with this mindset.  It may not be explicitly stated but it is the underlying threat. There is a vaguely sexually coercive tactic to entering into a relationship with the unenlightened non flexible unicorn hunters and it is not reasonable, it is not egalitarian and yes, it is couple privilege. This is also part of the 'if I am involved too I won't be jealous' assumption which is a pernicious mistake about the triad structure which sadly has too few working triads around to kill off completely. 

Stating that you are seeking a unicorn is akin to a single man claiming he wants to marry a flight attendant, and a single woman stating she will only date doctors, it may seem reasonable, it may seem like free choice but it is still objectifying, classifying people by an arbitrary role, rather than who they are.  It can be insecure and destabilising for the unicorn and if the couple are not examining their relative privilege the unicorns role will not be an equal partner, just a equal plaything.

* All terms have been used in seeking posts/profiles by actively seeking couples.

Useful links on this topic
Wonderful blog post concerning the OPP 
Bi Poly Kinky's feelings about dating a couple.

26 comments:

  1. I so wish more parts of the poly community had begun discussing this long ago. I found myself feeling bad that I never gained any sense of satisfaction in triads. Then we went our separate ways so to speak (still together as a couple but dated on our own who we chose) and the end result was so much better. Each relationship MUST be able to stand on its own. If the paths cross then fine but only if it happens that way naturally. Plus, one of my primary issues in the triad set ups is that it ignores the fact that being bisexual does not mean we are only attracted to one of each. So, if one partner is straight then why is it okay for them to date others of the opposite gender but limit the other partner to only same sex partners simply by virtue of being bisexual. Just because I am bisexual does not mean I only desire relationship with women outside of my relationship with the husband. I feared telling him that but I did it and he took it very well and could see the reason in it. I honestly think most poly minded people will too if they are sincere in that. The religious part of the poly community I do not believe are sincere in being truly poly and there are other factors at play there (another elephant in the corner nobody wants to talk about of course).

    At any rate, I am glad to see this topic being addressed more and more lately. It is my opinion that being part of a triad (in general at any rate) robs at least one if not all members of the group of their ability to form independent and meaningful relationship. Ultimately, for us, it came down to are we mono or are we poly... removing restrictions to our definition of poly created a much safer emotional (and physical) environment.

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  2. Hello Becca thanks for the comment. I think you are right, it is almost assumed knowledge that a bisexual will want and require one of each to have “the best of both worlds” and to “have her cake and eat it”. But really the ideal is just a safe and non threatening extension to the established norms, they aren't really challenging the standard paradigm.

    However, I ‘do’ believe it is possible to have meaningful independence in triad relationships as long as all members are free to self actualise in the way they need to, the problem is so many couples are 'requiring' that a person join them and be sexually and emotionally exclusive to them only.
    At the end of the day the ideal of Polyamory means that all of us should be free to communicate our needs and make the choices that are right for us. If, and when, those needs change we should also feel free to renegotiate our relationships, the rules and roles to the (hopefully) benefit of all involved.

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  3. Imperfect reasoning. If many or most couples seeking a bi woman are acting on a bias, that doesn't mean that all are. Looking for a bi woman and offering male and female sex partners to her, if that is what she wants also, is the same as looking for someone who enjoys the outdoors. Yes, it's more difficult to find one person who's turned on to both of you, but I find that if I'm hot for one of a couple, I'm often hot for the other.

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  4. It goes deeper than that Griffin, it is not about offering up what (you think) a bisexual woman might want. It is about living and loving in a way that gives her what she 'needs' also and we need more than sex with two people of the same gender.
    Being 'hot' for someone is transitory but being able to meet all the needs of a person fully, especially at the risk to your pre-existing privilege is actually quite difficult for most Unicorn Hunting couples. Many do pay lip service to parity, but often that is only to the extent to which they are comfortable, believe me I have seen it more than once that if the Unicorn has needs that one or the other member of a pre-existing couple do not wish to meet they will close ranks and invoke privilege. That is a risk that all Unicorns have to take and one main reason why triads often do not last long.

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  5. Now that was silly wasn't it?

    Keep calm dear, your agenda is showing.
    Look dude, I am sorry you can't get a woman to sleep with you. And if by some slim chance you are married, I am sorry that you and your bisexual wife who 'misses the touch of a woman' can't find a Unicorn to be 'your third' who will love you both equally as much as you love her, who will leave all that she knows to move in to your bedroom to be your own and only.....Life sucks eh? Can't always get what you want.
    However, just because something doesn't seem fair, just because I don't agree with you, does not mean that you are automatically right and what I say is 'hateful' it just means you don't agree dude, what is all this anger about? And you dare call me hateful?
    Listen, you came to my playground and you get butt hurt at what you find there, you know what I have to say to that? Tough! Grow a pair, put your big girls panties on and get on with your life. Wasting time reading an blog article you don't agree with and ranting on it (especially considering how easily I can delete them and be entirely unaffected by your 'tude) just proves that you have lost some control of your life.
    My post is not about patriarchy OR Victimhood, it is about the fact that even with the best of intentions and no matter how equal things might appear, there are subtle aspects of privilege that can get through the cracks. People don't start off with the intention to act entitled but when feelings get hurt especially, that is when the privilege shows itself, I have experienced it many times, if it is not something you recognise as valid, Congratulations, you have had a charmed life! For the rest of us, we have to cope with our reality.
    By the way, if 'women of caliber' is man code for 'women who will sleep with you' than thank F**k I am a feminist who is hateful..yadda yadda whatever else rubbish you were talking about that I can't be arsed to read.

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  6. Love this (and the dialogue that followed)!

    As a couple who has successfully built a triad, it takes a LOT of work, a LOT of communication, and setting aside a LOT of assumptions. In our case, it was purely 'needs' based - each of us was open and able to pursue any relationships outside of the triad as needed. The only 'rules' were in regards to safe sex.

    We were never exposed to this degree of discussion but stumbled into it intuitively. We realized pretty quickly we were unicorn hunting with some pretty strong, unfair expectations.

    In the end, the relationship's success boils down to trust, treating all parties with the highest levels of care, and communication, communication, communication.

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  7. I would just like to add that there is another side to "couple seeking female" story too and the couple does not always have all the power.

    I am a bi female in an M/F couple who has experienced M/F/F triads also. In each case when it worked it has been an equal triangle. We have been seeking a new female for some time now.

    Something that really bothers me is the label of "unicorn hunter" and people assuming that is what me and my husband are.

    The negative stereotype of the "unicorn hunter" has actually caused us a lot of problems when dating women, because we find that the women we date start out in a very defensive position and we basically have to bend over backwards to "win them over" more so than a single person pursuing a woman ever has to do! The women we date have all the decision making power as to whether they continue a relationship us or not and how the relationship unfolds.

    I sometimes feel like we're branded the "sleazy couple" and we have to go to great lengths to prove ourselves "worthy".

    In our most recent dating experience, I actually got so tired of feeling like we have to constantly defend our position and prove ourselves "worthy" that I've given up on this whole triad thing as it is just too much trouble and heartache.

    Another issue is the women who just want to "try it out" and then decide it's not for them and leave, with little to no regard to our feelings - we're the sleazy unicorn hunters remember? Our feelings don't matter right?

    I actually think it could be nice if we found a F/F couple who would like to date us, then at least things would start in a fairly equal way (two established couples). But I realize that's somewhat unrealistic!

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    1. Hello Anon,

      Have you ever considered dating another MF couple with a bi female? I really do not understand why this objection to another male being in the picture? If you ask me, two couples such as yourself would solve all your problems. It is the idea of needing to be only one man in any such threesome (or that the women herself be single and exclusive) which upsets people. If you were looking for a bisexual woman, partnered or otherwise, you would probably find the whole search thing a lot less stressful, disappointing and defensive.

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    2. What about you? Do you have regards for your female third partner's feelings and I would continue, wants, needs etc.? I think you actually don't, that's why now you'd prefer a F/F couple. I second that the objection to a M/F couple is probably rooted in the fact that you and your husband aren't really polyamorous, but just trying to fulfill a porn fantasy which can also help you get your romantic needs for a woman met too. I have written this before in anther comment, but the fact that you actually think that you were in an equal triad in the context in which you already have a primary partner (your husband, who is legally and socially your no 1 partner and only one) is alarming. I will write this again because it seems that you definitely have not read the article with an open mind. What are you offering this third party and what are you actually asking them to give up in order to be with a married couple? Unless your relationship with such a person is public (at home, at family gathering events, at work, with friends etc.) and unless you have also dealt with the legal issues so this person has the same rights in the relationship that you and your husband do (including custody to the kids), no, your bisexual female partner was not in an equal triad, but in one in which she was hierarchically inferior. She is effectively not tied to you two. Let's say you continue the relationship for years, she moves in, contributes to the house expenses, maybe even mortgage, helps with the kids etc. What happens if for some reasons the relationship doesn't work in say, 10 years? Does she have any legal right over the house (although she has contributed to it)? What about custody of the kids? Or what happens if the decides she wants to have children? Will you agree to your husband being the father to her children? Let's say she gets sick tomorrow and is in the hospital: will you be there for her 100% or just 50%, or 40%, or 20% depending on your other obligations? I suggest that you don't actually want an equal triad since you are married.

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  8. Hello, I actually could like that but my partner isn't keen, he is hetero and doesn't even have male friends as he generally only likes female company. But yes, I get your point that it could result in less stress and would seem much more equal. Thanks for the reply :)

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  9. While I agree with your observation that mixed-gender triads have high failure rates, same-gender (i.e. homosexual) triads actually seem to have higher than average stability. My observations on this are all with cis-gendered folks. Only recently (past 1-2 years) have I started to know people in live-in triads with non-cis gender identities.

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    1. That is a good point, thank you for bringing it up.

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    2. Depending on where you live, maybe it has something to do with the fact that gay couples can't get married (or couldn't for a long time, so now they don't have this history). Also, gay relationships in general are not always visible, legally or socially so there's no couple privilege in this case. It's the married MF couple that is usually hierarchically above a third party that they add because they have a different legal and social standing.

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  10. After reading through everything I have a few questions. I realize this thread is kind of old and I wouldn't be surprise to not receive a response.
    Most of what's written discribes the overwhelming failure rate of triads...with a slight hint of 'these heterosexual men better get over themselves'...anyway
    For those of us who do want to make a triad relationship work..how do we do it?...properly...to your standards..I'm definitely interested in knowing (if you response is a closed-minded "it can't, it won't" then you've defeated the purpose of my inquiry)

    Also with response to the "Unicorn" falling out of love with one of the two and being forced to let the other go. Wouldnt it be equally as messed up to exspect to continue a sexual relationship with that person outside of the triad dynamic...it's basically no different than monogamous infidelity....likewise if the man fell so in love with "Unicorn" he decided to leave his wife/girlfriend for her...just as equally messed up. A woman that enters into a relationship with two people openly takes on the risk of knowing the potentiality of things to fall apart if the dynamic of the relationship is threatened...likewise that goes for every individual involved. Each person is treated equally as such and is equally responsible for preserving the dynamic of the relationship...especially if they are telling eachother they love eachother. If she loves my wife more than me, she would want what makes my wife happy which is a triad. Likewise, I would be persistent in preserving the relationship for the "unicorn" if she so desired to profess her love for my wife (I wouldn't chop the feet out from under her with a " babe, we need to be monogamous again" like...no)
    Relationships take work, and triads take three times as much work, and fail 3 times as much...but if it's what the three of them want it will work.

    Anyway maybe I rambled a bit, I've read a lot of your material...and I have learned a lot...and the things you have wrote have taught me a lot about the unfair and unnecessary pressure, restrictions and control. But I need more...my wife and I don't want to snag a unicorn...we want a person who legitimately likes us both, and is willing to try to love us both, and be in a romantic relationship with one or both of us as long she desires to be...some help here? Some positive incite.

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  11. After reading through everything I have a few questions. I realize this thread is kind of old and I wouldn't be surprise to not receive a response.
    Most of what's written discribes the overwhelming failure rate of triads...with a slight hint of 'these heterosexual men better get over themselves'...anyway
    For those of us who do want to make a triad relationship work..how do we do it?...properly...to your standards..I'm definitely interested in knowing (if you response is a closed-minded "it can't, it won't" then you've defeated the purpose of my inquiry)

    Also with response to the "Unicorn" falling out of love with one of the two and being forced to let the other go. Wouldnt it be equally as messed up to exspect to continue a sexual relationship with that person outside of the triad dynamic...it's basically no different than monogamous infidelity....likewise if the man fell so in love with "Unicorn" he decided to leave his wife/girlfriend for her...just as equally messed up. A woman that enters into a relationship with two people openly takes on the risk of knowing the potentiality of things to fall apart if the dynamic of the relationship is threatened...likewise that goes for every individual involved. Each person is treated equally as such and is equally responsible for preserving the dynamic of the relationship...especially if they are telling eachother they love eachother. If she loves my wife more than me, she would want what makes my wife happy which is a triad. Likewise, I would be persistent in preserving the relationship for the "unicorn" if she so desired to profess her love for my wife (I wouldn't chop the feet out from under her with a " babe, we need to be monogamous again" like...no)
    Relationships take work, and triads take three times as much work, and fail 3 times as much...but if it's what the three of them want it will work.

    Anyway maybe I rambled a bit, I've read a lot of your material...and I have learned a lot...and the things you have wrote have taught me a lot about the unfair and unnecessary pressure, restrictions and control. But I need more...my wife and I don't want to snag a unicorn...we want a person who legitimately likes us both, and is willing to try to love us both, and be in a romantic relationship with one or both of us as long she desires to be...some help here? Some positive incite.

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    1. Ok. I am not a unicorn (I'm a lesbian that has dated bisexual women before). My question to you is this: I hear a lot of "I want this, we want this etc.", but have you actually considered what you are offering to the bisexual woman in question? What does your "loving" amount to? As always, people don't seem to want to assess if they really do deserve someone that fulfills all their "bullets on a list". You clearly have missed the purpose of the article. It's one thing to want a casual one-night (or maybe a bit longer) threesome, and another to ask that the third woman (who is in many cases just a third wheel to your relationship) be willing to love you both (or even one for that matter). I have been in a short-lived fling with a bisexual married woman and I can tell you there was nothing in it for me apart from the sexual. Although her husband knew of me, it was a very alienating experience for me since I was effectively not really part of her life. You imagine this third-person (the "unicorn") as having no real-life needs and expectations of her own. Why would she want a romantic relationship with both of you or even one when she will clearly not be a priority. You have "couple privilege". You are married and accepted as a "social" couple and this comes with some benefits. Let's imagine some scenarios: 1. holidays with the family and kids- is this woman invited and if so, what is her position there? family friend? how do you explain her presence to extended family and possible kids?; 2. you get a job in another country; naturally, you can ask for spouse visa for your wife; what happens to your bisexual lover?; 3. she decides she wants to have children; how do you negotiate this?; 4. she's diagnosed with a severe illness; will you and your wife be there? if so, to what extend, 100% like a regular lover or just if and when it suits you? and how do you explain your presence to her family (parents etc.); 5. in the SUA: she doesn't have health insurance for various reasons; if she had a legal partnership, she could get her partner's health insurance, but you guys are married, so there's no way she can get in a legal partnership with any of you... etc. See we're I'm going with this. You are being unreasonable asking that someone put their whole life on hold in order to fulfill your sexual fantasy of being a couple in a romantic relationship with a hot bisexual woman.

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  12. Thank you Jeff for your well thought out comment, it was a great surprise, but it was a pleasant one since it has allowed me to re-read the post and seriously think about whether I hold the same opinions on triads or whether my opinion has changed in the light of my experiences since I composed this.
    So you ask, ‘how do we do it properly?’ I know it is pointless to say don’t do it. The fantasy of a perfectly happy triad is far too strong at this point. But my actual advice is probably just as difficult. I would suggest:

    1) Do not expect a closed, long term, live in triad. Go for open polyamory, look for a partner that is perhaps already married herself and is polyamorous and maybe has a fantasy of being with a couple, see where it develops, don’t look for ‘OUR THIRD’ avoid those type of expectations altogether, instead concentrate on connecting with women and having fun, who knows, one of them might want to stick around.

    Or…..

    2) If you are unmarried DON’T get married. Do not legally marry your girlfriend or fiancée. Make sure any woman who is in a relationship with you doesn’t get the feeling that YOUR existing relationship is more important to you. Don't have children and if you have them, make sure that they are grown and gone and so are hers.

    Or…...

    3) Again, if you are single, seek out a female same sex couple looking for a man.

    Cont....

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    1. “Wouldnt it be equally as messed up to exspect to continue a sexual relationship with that person outside of the triad dynamic...it's basically no different than monogamous infidelity”

      I don’t agree, you don’t fall in love with a dynamic, you fall in love with PEOPLE, asking someone to conform their emotions to a dynamic is unreasonable. Take for example a couple into BDSM, say Jill loves Bill, desperately and greatly, but she has grown bored of being hit and for now, she needs a break, she doesn’t deny him finding his needs in that area from someone else, she just doesn’t want to do it any more. Bill still wants to hit Jill. Is it reasonable for him to force her to do it just because that was their previous dynamic? Is it right for him to throw her out? Just because something is existing, doesn’t mean it is the only way to exist. Especially when it comes to emotions. Jill still loves Bill, VERY much.

      No, I don’t believe in an either/or situation, that would be monogamous thinking. If Bill wants his kink dynamic, his choice is not to throw out Jill and get Jane, his choice is to appreciate the love he has for Jill and also go get Jane, who he can hit. This is Poly-fi 101.

      Cont....

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    2. “A woman that enters into a relationship with two people openly takes on the risk of knowing the potentiality of things to fall apart if the dynamic of the relationship is threatened”

      No, they don’t. Because every Unicorn Hunting couple takes great pains to tell her that she is truly equal and like every sucker in love, she believes them. It isn’t true, but MOST people won’t tell the Unicorn that, in fact most couples really don’t know that themselves, they fool themselves into believing they are equal too. Until the Unicorn is inconvenient and then they close ranks against her.
      It is the nature of a previously monogamous partnership (hence the three bits of advice I gave above) but if you tell most monogamous couples desperately seeking a woman that, they furiously deny it, because, of course, she will be perfect and they will BOTH love her perfectly.

      Perfect does not last forever of course :)

      You can’t force emotion either, again like Jill, if Bill truly loves her, wouldn’t HE want to keep her happy by not forcing her into doing something she doesn’t want to do? So, forgive my crudeness but I always am fascinated how different male and female sexuality is and how easy that can divorce sex from their emotional state(I have never been so shocked as to have discovered my ex partner was STILL angry with me over some issue after a very passionate night together, for me it was long over, hence the passion but he could still be intimate and angry and me...that just completely blew my mind! And made me feel very negative about the intimacy, knowing he was angry when he did it, marred the memory of the experience) but…..are you really telling me that if a woman loves you, she should love you enough to go down on your wife because…reasons?

      How different is that sexual compulsion from any other? “If you love me, you will sleep with me” Is not the best way to get a woman to feel good about her sexuality, to feel empowered.

      But, ‘If you love me, you would sleep with her” Seems shockingly manipulative, damaging and ultimately will fail.
      It is not a road to go down, seriously. Stop right there.

      Every single Unicorn Hunting couple I know clings to the gleeful news of newly formed triads, treating them as if they are diamond anniversary couples. “See?” They tell me “I know plenty of happy triads”

      But they are talking of two and those two are a few months old and still desperately happy. I was happy for a few months too.

      A few months of triad happiness is totally possible, maybe years (under some circumstances, see advice!)

      It is just what it is. It is the nature of the beast, poly relationships in general tend to be harder than mono but these are the hardest of the hard and it pains me that people are under the impression that it is easier because, again…reasons?

      I am sorry that I can’t give you what you seek, which are positive ideas to guide you. I honestly feel that triads are just not the best long term relationship type and your best bet is to consider open poly, don’t offer long term marriage or love, you really can’t give her equality and it is really unfair to expect someone to live without that.

      No one wants to be a sex toy for their whole life.
      Good Luck,
      Natja
      x

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  13. How do I explain to a couple I've been dating 5 months a non live in situation that couple privilege is rampant with them

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    1. Ooomph, that is difficult. I have noticed that just discussing CP with first wives in general that they usually lose their minds at the idea of it even EXISTING let alone they would be guilty of it.

      I would say 'tread very carefully' when bringing it up. Perhaps get them to read some articles about it or maybe use other people's ethical scenarios real or imagined to broach the subject with them not as a confrontational accusation but a philosophical discussion?

      Sadly, even when people are well educated about privilege and they claim to be above it, they can still invoke it when they feel threatened or angry.

      Sadly, I have lost all hope that a FMF triad will be free of CP, especially with a weak male in the centre. I rarely see a Unicorn Hunting couple without the wife being the most assertive member of the couple and is often in charge, even when she claims to be the soft, submissive one, she will still be the one in the command of the marriage and the male. I generally advise women I know to avoid the dynamic but I know that is not very helpful if you are already in it. I can only hope that you have two kind and adaptable partners who really do care. Good Luck x

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  14. I'm in deep with all of these responses. I'm just posting graditude for your replies Natja. My wife and I have been discussing the FMF triad relationship for over a year now. I have to say the discussions alone are liberating. I see a lot of terrible things with my occupation. These things mostly are deeply hatful and destructive behavior with modern MF relationships. I think the real takeaway with the FMF relationships is an open mind and communication. Without it we will destroy our selfs or the ones we love. Thanks again for your posts. Wish you the best.

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    1. Well, I have to say there are problems in all relationships. As a woman that has dated a married bisexual woman, my question to you is: why is it exactly that you desire a "FMF relationship" instead of a FMF hook-up? There is inherent couple privilege in the scenario in which there is a married couple who have known each other for a while before they bring the third person in the mix. I suspect you know this, but choose not to accept it because your desires come first (especially since you don't know this possible third person yet and can't humanize her). Yes, open mind and communication bla bla, but really the long-term success of such a relationship is mostly about: there being no married couple, but just 3 people that love each other equality. Otherwise, it's actually not a triad, but a couple (which sees itself as one entity) dating another person. Hence why so many couples insist that "she must love and want both of us at the same time bla bla" and why they have issues many times with one part of the couple having sex separately and going out on their own with the third person. I hope you understand what the difference is.

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  15. If you are a couple seeking a third, whether you think you are a unicorn hunter or not, carefully read unicorns-r-us.com

    If you say any or all of the things listed, you need to work on yourselves first. If you and your partner have extensively talked it out, are very good about handling problems together, have read "More Than Two", understand and agree with the things listed on unicorns-r-us, have tried out consensual "sex only" first as a trial run with a trusted aquainance, and date separately with a chance of together later, then you may be ready.

    I think the only kind of poly that is healthy is "dates separately" (overlap only if it happens organically), without NPP or other rediculous rules, and open or at least open to allowing open later.

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  16. OMG!! Reading all of this I only get one thought, the poly community is worse then the monogamous community. Everything is all about the third person: Everything. We are looking for a third and NO we are not unicorn hunters, Yes if it is a woman would be nice her being bisexual, but we are not necessarily looking for a cis woman. But a triad in it's very nature is about 4 relationships - hard work but can work out if you are willing to put some thing aside.
    Next point. There is more then only vanilla relationships. There are bdsm relationships. Power exchange relationships. Those work entirely different. So no you don't know everything. We ask the heck out of this third person about their needs, sexually and life. We have communication all three of us, my man and this third person and I and this third person. Luckily we are both bisexual and open minded so we are not fixated on a gender but on the right person.

    Something else everyone here is acting as if the "unicorn" doesn't have any power. The unicorn has very well the power to destroy the couple. In the very same moment she is not giving a shit about me and my feelings and needs. Oh I know both sides, so stop telling me I don't know what I am talking about. A triad needs communication communication and solutions found together. It is as every relationship in this world it's work every day, a relationship doesn't just work out it is hard work and love is a part of it.
    It's not always and solely about the third person in a triad. In a triad are three people it's about each and everyone. In a triad we have 4 relationships to work on. And yeah it doesn't matter if there is a sexual component included I still have a relationship to this third person and that needs work to keep it healthy and going. My man and I are polyamorous we can love more then one person....... so stop question our intentions better ask us how we look at it. What does it do when I don't give a shit on her/his needs, it doesn't work. So her/his needs are equally important as mine.
    Talking about couple privileges. Depends on the couple right. We never dated a woman together. My man started out and joined in later on. The question about legal rights? She can be put in a last will, which doesn't secure anything for anyone not even siblings (given families fight like crazy why not chosen families....) That's why I not allow partaking in paying the house. I can't legally grant a part except in my last will. But partaking in daily expenses like food and such that's for sure a piece. It's not that I allow the third person to live eniterly free in our house. bills caused by general like tv, electric, gas, water and such is shared equally.

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    1. Gosh, it's rather bizarre to get a comment posted telling me to 'stop saying that I' or 'Stop telling us that we' when the last time I wrote on this blog comment section was three years ago and I doubt it was a comment to you. Regardless as to the substance of your comment, I can honestly say, I have read, every....single....one of your 'reasons why we are not unicorn hunters ACTUALLY' exceptions more times than I have had hot dinners. Seriously. You are not special, you are not an exception, you are just justifying your Unicorn hunting just like most couples seeking are and that is fine because chances are very slim anyway so I don't really care what people choose to do because, sometimes you need to experience something yourself as a learning curve and NOTHING anyone will say will stop a determined person from that path. Also as a kinky, pansexual trans Ally who is still heavily involved in the Polygamous online community. I think you are making far more assumptions about me, than I am about you. Good luck and take care.

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