Expectations

A by-product of seeking and finding is the high expectation placed on the person found.  We all have expectations of course, we may be influenced by the positive aspects of the Poly relationships we see on TV, who doesn’t want the love, support and community in their lives as shown by the large Polygamists families (real) Brown and (fictional) Henrickson?  Problems occur when we do not let go of these expectations and  allow our families to develop the way they are going to develop, free of any person in the relationship trying to mould it into an ideal vision of what they think a successful Poly family entails .

For example, how many women have advertised that they want a woman who will be their best friend, but what if she isn’t?  Does this devalue her ‘rightness’ for your family?  I will illustrate my thoughts with an example I wish to call the ‘Janelle Brown effect aka JBE'.  Janelle, second wife in a long standing and successful Polygamous Brown family from the Sisterwives programme, 

She is a direct counter to the best friends forever!!!! mindset littering seeking ads written by wives and I will break down the most common requirements for Sisterwife BFFs.

BFF:  Someone to go shopping with.

JBE: Janelle has stated once that she doesn’t want to shop with Meri, Robin and Christine because they spend so much time mucking around instead of shopping.

BFF: Someone to cook with

JBE : Janelle is quite happy to let Christine be the domestic Goddess of the wives.

BFF: Someone to clean with.

JBE: Note Janelle’s face when confronted with the chaos of the cabin in episode 7, series 2.

BFF: Someone to talk to when husband is out at work all day.

JBE: Janelle is the first person up and out of the Brown home in the morning and usually does not return until 7pm.

BFF: Girl time!!!!

JBE: Alone time!!!!!

Janelle doesn’t fit in with the sisterwife expectations and yet she fits in perfectly well in her family because she is allowed to be who she is with her own strengths and weaknesses. Some sisterwives will not be BFFs but they will be friends and/or sisters, some will end up as partners

We can only have strong lasting relationships when we allow them to develop naturally, who is to say that daily mani-pedi gossip sessions are more valuable to your family than a woman who knows how to sort out your finances, do the plumbing or run the family business?   

  

The impenetrable fortress

There is no doubt that a couple must have a strong and healthy relationship before they think of opening up, they must be prepared for the changes a Poly life will bring to their relationship (well, as prepared as one can be)and their family and even when you expect it, still allow for it being even harder than that!  Because long term monogamy allows you to get to know a person so well, to have habits and some unspoken communications and if you happen to have very good open communication and a no secrets policy with each other also, well that makes for a pretty good base to start with.

To an outsider just meeting you, this strength is encouraging, it communicates that this isn’t a desire borne out of lack of satisfaction with each other, seeing how well a couple communicate with each other proves that they have learnt the skills for good communication, for the person interested but not emotionally invested, this is a good thing.

Fast forward some time and this strength seems less a strong admirable thing, but that outsider now wants to be inside this circle of strength and it feels a bit more like an impenetrable fortress.  When does this happen?  At what point do these issues start to arise?  Well who knows?  It, like everything varies between people but it is an important thing to be aware of. A new partner might at one point feel proud and secure when s/he tells antagonists that ‘No, they have a wonderful relationship, nothing was wrong with them et al’ but months later, when emotions are invested and these people are all living together, the habits a couple have together can mean the newbie can be an after thought or forgotten accidentally.  The unspoken communication can feel like a secret language that you are not and might never have, the no secrets policy between them as well as shared history and shared confidences can feel like a depressing obstruction to getting to know them as well as they know each other

. 

There is no way to prevent this from happening but being aware that this can occur means you can open a dialogue, recognise where the pain comes from and find inclusion strategies to help.

It's all about sex - The trouble with triads 4

One of the great problems with sexual practises outside heteronormative standards is the fact that we all know that they have already been sexualised in pornography.  A common theme in the Pornographic film is the 'Threesome' scene, usually FMF(bisexual females), though occasionally MFM  (heterosexual males) the sexual orientation distinction being made due to the overwhelmingly male heterosexual audience in pornography.

Is it unsurprising that people in general lack respect for triad relationships when their only cultural trope is the 'porno threesome scene' ?  When was the last time you saw a triad relationship that had nothing to do with sex in our culture? We see the triad through the prism of sex. Generally, three people in a romantic sense is called a 'love triangle' and  is a source of conflict. It is a romantic 'vee' two people both fighting for the attention of a hinge.

Even though the threesome is a common scene in pornography, the popular media is no stranger to this trope, I have seen suggestions of a threesome in comedy, dramas and even television advertisements for men care products.  The overwhelming message we get is 'this is fun if you are young, free and single however if you are mature, it is a big, threatening mistake but you can get past it, because it is only sex'  the idea that three people might LOVE each other and that sex is secondary to the relationship is alien to heteronormative dyadic society.

With triads, more so than with Poly Vees (because Poly Vees already have a less sexualised cultural standard with Polygamy) it is up to the politically motivated of us in triadic relationships to at the very least, reclaim our relationships from the Pornographic sphere, bring the notion of romantic love, mutual commitment and friendship and extend it to triadic relationships.  It is an extension of our Polyamorous standards anyway, if we acknowledge and put forth the notion that our polyamorous relationships in general are not about sex, why do we find it so hard to break the stronghold of 'threesome' sex from the cultural norms of general society?

When you say you have a triad the first thing people think is 'threesome sex' but when someone states that they are in a monogamous relationship, sex isn't usually the first thing they think about, they think love and romance, friendship and companionship.

Bi In bed, Hetero in the head

Seen in comments recently:

‘People might judge us, but my husband and I like to enjoy another female from time to time’

‘He is straight, I am bi, and we would love a woman to join our marriage’

As emotionally confusing it is when someone rejects the political/social labels of ‘Bisexual, sexually fluid, queer or pansexual’ whether this decision is made because of ingrained self hatred, strict religious codes in their community or fear of homophobia by ‘coming out’ there something a bit worse than not accepting who or what you are, this is about not recognising the limits to your sexuality and how it might effect others around you.

This situation is an elephant in the room with a lot of Unicorn seekers but what comes across from many of the women is that they  are ‘Bi in the bed’ by that, I mean, although they might be comfortable with the label, they have not examined further than their sexual desires.  Having a full and healthy romantic relationship with their husbands, (which is obviously strong enough for them to seek out Poly together) they concentrate a lot on sex with other women, whether they actually want, need or are capable of another romantic partnership in their lives. They might be ‘Missing a woman’s touch’ but they haven’t examined their ability to form a romantic relationship with another woman.

 Very often, they have been soft swingers, but more often than not, they are women turned off by casual encounters, but instead of looking for a secondary partner, they get enamoured by the idea of having a HBB at home on tap.

Sexuality is a spectrum, we are not either/or, hetero, bi or homo, there are many different configurations, some people are sexually attracted to both genders but do not have the desire or capacity to form a strong romantic relationships with those of either the opposite or the same sex.

When a woman is only bi in bed than the onus of maintaining a romantic relationship falls to the Male, essentially making the relationship an andro-focused Vee with occasional threesomes or even dyadic sex between the women when the mood strikes them. The friendship between the women gets tried and tested as they begin to fight over the attentions of their romantic focus, their sexual relationship wanes because they don’t have the love to sustain it and the relationship eventually either breaks up or become a Vee, in the same way as the ‘I wasn’t as bi as I thought’ Poly Trope.

There isn’t a problem with being bi in bed, as long as everyone in the relationship knows this and knows what to expect. Consider, before you open your marriage whether it is only ‘a woman’s touch’ that is missing from your life, you might want to think about dating women and see how your emotional relationships with women develop before you claim to offer up a primary romantic as well as sexual triad, because a background of sexy threesomes is not enough of a basis for believing that you are Bi in the head as well as Bi in the bed.

Dear Santa

"Wanted

New child for expanding family. Must have average build, curly (but not hard to handle) hair, large eyes and a pert nose. No chubbies or bad skin please. My husband and I are really easy going and would like you to be also, we worship regularly at the Jedi Knight Temple and expect you to do so too. We are outdoorsy and we go camping every summer so you'd better get used to it for the next 18 years! :o)
If you are a boy, please be aware that you will be required to attend ball games as and when requested. If you are a girl, please be prepared for being dressed in a manner that I feel is 'cute' regardless of age and also having your sexuality controlled as long as you are under my roof.
I can't wait for you to arrive, I know it will be hard but I can cope."
..........................................................................................

Seem a bit on the unbelievable side does it? Well compare it to this:-

"Hello everyone my name is 'JohnDoeswife' I am 30 years old and have been married for 10 years, we have two beautiful children and live in 'Everywhere, USA'. We are Christians but don't belong to any particular church. For some time I have felt that something was missing and now I realise that what I actually want in my life is a Sisterwife, my husband and I are looking for a Sisterwife to join our family. My husband is very handsome, a good provider and the very best husband a woman can ask for (If I do say so myself). I know it will be hard sharing my husband but I am fully prepared for it . Also, I am bi, so ideally we would want a woman who would have an equal relationship to us both"


Have you seen this profile?
I have, dozens and dozens of times, perhaps there are slight variations, ages, how long married, how many kids, more or less religious and sometimes not bisexual, but the basic message is the same. I want me a woman, now please!
I don't want anyone to get offended by my generic 'Seeking' post if it seems to be familiar because I am NOT picking on you. This is actually the most common seeking post there is, almost every wife or husband posting a seeking ad in the poly-fi world has written this or one of its many variations.

I have seen people in their 50's requesting women under 30. Couples saying that they want someone who doesn't want to work, they believe in quiverful and want lots of children. I have seen couples saying we HAVE to share a bed because that is the best way to dissipate jealousy.

What I feel by all these statements and many more is, you don't want a new family member, you want a new fantasy. This goes beyond the horror of the Unicorn Hunt (for more details of unicorn hunting and why you should not, categorically NOT do it, click here) this is about how people, whether they are unicorn hunting or not, are looking for someone to JOIN their family, without any sort of expectation that they are actually CHANGING their families. They focus on the superficial (albeit important in their own way)  things and seem blissfully oblivious that it has nothing to do with 'sharing' what is 'hers' with another woman, it is being prepared to have a completely different life and relationship to that which you had before.

When Jack met Jill, they had a totally different relationship as young newlyweds than they will have after Baby JJ is born. People expect a new baby to be a game changer, true, some parents do have expectations, sometimes unreasonable ones but hopefully when they realise that little JJ doesn't want to play ball or be a ballerina, they will back off and let JJ be who they need to be, they realise that Baby JJ is their own unique person whom they will have to adjust to, they don't consider sending JJ back to sender with a big red 'Defective' stamped on his/her forehead.

Why, when so many seeking couples post ads, they don't take it to account, that like baby JJ, any adult woman wanting a poly relationship has hopes, dreams, history and a lifestyle of her own, if you understand and respect that, than you would have to understand that you are blending your families, not having someone JOIN your relationship, She will have her own unique relationship to each of the other adults (and the children, a fact that is very often ignored) of her own. This will affect the whole dynamic of the family, it will, like the birth of a child, destabilise the home, there will be a long period of adjustment and then when you come out at the other side, your family and your family relationships will be different than before, sometimes drastically so.

So can someone explain to me why when Jenny meets Jack and Jill, neither of them seems prepared for any game changers, they want someone that fits into their lives seamlessly, it is something that extends beyond 'having shared interests and goals' and becomes needing someone who will be exactly who the couple want her to be, including in some cases, having a sexual and romantic desire for each other adult in the house equally (and any deviation from this is a no no and is considered a threat) and having their own relationship dynamic repressed to fit into the familial norms.

Similarly, Jenny might have a fantasy of this great family who will be exactly what she wants, she might expect and want certain things out of it without being considerate of what they can realistically do. If she heard that Jack took Jill to Miami for a long weekend, she might want the same, disregarding the fact that with the added expense of supporting her and her offspring, they might be strapped for cash. She might not expect that Jack's dynamic with Jill is different and it is also being destabilised by her arrival, instead of feeling sensitive to the destabilisation and want things to be easy and well between Jack and Jill, she might be resentful of the dynamic and the care and attention that Jack might be giving Jill while she tries to adjust to the new changes. She might get insecure and consider them to be uncaring of her feelings, totally disregarding the fact that she isn't the only one who has it hard (and not necessarily the hardest).

If you are established couple JJ or single person J and you want to have a Poly relationship you have to become person centred, not issue centred, it is not about 'wanting someone who fits in with you' it is about loving someone and then finding out how you three (or more) can work together to have a successful relationship. If you want a good relationship than you have to stop thinking of what another person can do for you but what you can all do together.

The myth of the Perfect Poly relationship is that there IS such a thing. Every relationship takes work. Every Good relationship takes a lot of work, to have an Excellent relationship however, takes lots of hard work that most people just simply aren't prepared for, they want things easy, they want the benefits without the work, they think love conquers all and they believe that by staying quiet and keeping the peace, they are bowing to a higher authority, they believe that by screaming and shouting they are making themselves heard, they believe by emotionally manipulative they are getting things on track. They feel that by keeping secrets they are promoting intimacy.

When are people going to realise that these practices will destroy their relationships?

Intimacy and the art of patience

Being an incoming partner in an already established relationship, there is something that might be forgotten in the drive towards feeling secure about your place within the relationship and that is intimacy, if you are in a comparatively new relationship with two (or more) partners who have had years to build up their intimacy levels over time, it is easy to lose perspective of this reality when faced with the evidence of this imbalance, it might easily get mixed up with general insecurity.

So what do I mean about intimacy?

Well firstly it isn’t about sex, another common mistake.

According to Wiki, ‘Intimacy, generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. As a verb "intimate" means "to state or make known".

In addition I would add that Intimacy is feeling free to be yourself 100% and the total safety and security in being accepted as yourself, warts and all. It is the lack of self consciousness that only comes in a long term relationship when you cease trying to keep up the pretence that you are flawless (and flawlessly beautiful) and amazingly hygienic without any effort at all…it is the intimacy of being able to be the occasionally spotty, farty, sicky, smelly selves. It is feeling comfortable enough to use the toilet in front of one another, not dying of embarrassment if you happen to have a bad evening of wind etc, these are not (unless you are unselfconscious to a fault) the kinds of things you feel totally comfortable with after a week, perhaps not even a few months or a year, but sometimes many years until you totally let your guard down.

You have to keep in mind that the intimacy level of your dyads are in the right place for the length of time of your relationships, if you were in a mono relationship you would not notice any difference, you shouldn't (though I appreciate that it is difficult not to) compare it to the dyads your partners have with each other, because the dyads you have are just fine the way they are and will develop at their own pace.

Intimacy takes time, it just does, you can’t rush it, though it can possibly be helped along by open and honest communication, you can’t possibly compare the intimacy levels between a relationship that is a year old, than one that is twenty years old.

Proud to be weird?

There are many varieties of people who seek a poly life, they run across the political spectrum, they are country folk and city slickers, however according to some, people who practice polyamory (as opposed to other forms of non-monogamy) have one thing in common, they tend to be weird.

Seriously.

When in mixed company I am far too often aware that I am the token weirdo, there is usually a point in the conversation where I am either: a) being looked at strangely because of something I said or b) I find my eyes rolling in my head, due to the inanity of the conversation when it turns to things that more conventional people think are really fascinating. I don't, I just really don't have the ability to pass well in conventional company.

However, in the company of most Polyamorists, I don't feel that way, in fact, I find I am often out weirded....a totally novel experience for me.

People underestimate their ability to cope with the stresses of being 'strange' living an out poly life in a mono world might not only cause estrangement from conventional family and friends, you may, in fact, find out that you are the local weirdo/s, you might be the person/family people whisper about in the supermarket, the ones talked about by neighbours over tea. You know that local eccentric that you have thought rather nuts but basically harmless? Well that's you that is. When you decide you want to live an out Poly life, you'll have to ask yourself, how much does your standing in your community and 'fitting in' mean to you?

Many of us who practise Poly are long time weirdos, we have non conventional ideals and interests, standing out is often expected (or even courted, to those of us belonging to subcultures with distinctive dress like Goths) and therefore, being the one pointed at, or talked about, is not new to us. Being Poly is not only about how you conduct your relationships, it is, if you choose to be out and honest about it, a lifestyle which people WILL judge you on, some will disagree with it quite vocally but harder to deal with, if it is new to you, will be your elevation into the status of 'other'.