Sunday 5 December 2010

Bi In bed, Hetero in the head

Seen in comments recently:

‘People might judge us, but my husband and I like to enjoy another female from time to time’

‘He is straight, I am bi, and we would love a woman to join our marriage’

As emotionally confusing it is when someone rejects the political/social labels of ‘Bisexual, sexually fluid, queer or pansexual’ whether this decision is made because of ingrained self hatred, strict religious codes in their community or fear of homophobia by ‘coming out’ there something a bit worse than not accepting who or what you are, this is about not recognising the limits to your sexuality and how it might effect others around you.

This situation is an elephant in the room with a lot of Unicorn seekers but what comes across from many of the women is that they  are ‘Bi in the bed’ by that, I mean, although they might be comfortable with the label, they have not examined further than their sexual desires.  Having a full and healthy romantic relationship with their husbands, (which is obviously strong enough for them to seek out Poly together) they concentrate a lot on sex with other women, whether they actually want, need or are capable of another romantic partnership in their lives. They might be ‘Missing a woman’s touch’ but they haven’t examined their ability to form a romantic relationship with another woman.
 Very often, they have been soft swingers, but more often than not, they are women turned off by casual encounters, but instead of looking for a secondary partner, they get enamoured by the idea of having a HBB at home on tap.

Sexuality is a spectrum, we are not either/or, hetero, bi or homo, there are many different configurations, some people are sexually attracted to both genders but do not have the desire or capacity to form a strong romantic relationships with those of either the opposite or the same sex.

When a woman is only bi in bed than the onus of maintaining a romantic relationship falls to the Male, essentially making the relationship an andro-focused Vee with occasional threesomes or even dyadic sex between the women when the mood strikes them. The friendship between the women gets tried and tested as they begin to fight over the attentions of their romantic focus, their sexual relationship wanes because they don’t have the love to sustain it and the relationship eventually either breaks up or become a Vee, in the same way as the ‘I wasn’t as bi as I thought’ Poly Trope.

There isn’t a problem with being bi in bed, as long as everyone in the relationship knows this and knows what to expect. Consider, before you open your marriage whether it is onlya woman’s touch’ that is missing from your life, you might want to think about dating women and see how your emotional relationships with women develop before you claim to offer up a primary romantic as well as sexual triad, because a background of sexy threesomes is not enough of a basis for believing that you are Bi in the head as well as Bi in the bed.

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