Friday 25 February 2011

It's all about sex - The trouble with triads 4

One of the great problems with sexual practises outside heteronormative standards is the fact that we all know that they have already been sexualised in pornography.  A common theme in the Pornographic film is the 'Threesome' scene, usually FMF(bisexual females), though occasionally MFM  (heterosexual males) the sexual orientation distinction being made due to the overwhelmingly male heterosexual audience in pornography.

Is it unsurprising that people in general lack respect for triad relationships when their only cultural trope is the 'porno threesome scene' ?  When was the last time you saw a triad relationship that had nothing to do with sex in our culture? We see the triad through the prism of sex. Generally, three people in a romantic sense is called a 'love triangle' and  is a source of conflict. It is a romantic 'vee' two people both fighting for the attention of a hinge.

Even though the threesome is a common scene in pornography, the popular media is no stranger to this trope, I have seen suggestions of a threesome in comedy, dramas and even television advertisements for men care products.  The overwhelming message we get is 'this is fun if you are young, free and single however if you are mature, it is a big, threatening mistake but you can get past it, because it is only sex'  the idea that three people might LOVE each other and that sex is secondary to the relationship is alien to heteronormative dyadic society.

With triads, more so than with Poly Vees (because Poly Vees already have a less sexualised cultural standard with Polygamy) it is up to the politically motivated of us in triadic relationships to at the very least, reclaim our relationships from the Pornographic sphere, bring the notion of romantic love, mutual commitment and friendship and extend it to triadic relationships.  It is an extension of our Polyamorous standards anyway, if we acknowledge and put forth the notion that our polyamorous relationships in general are not about sex, why do we find it so hard to break the stronghold of 'threesome' sex from the cultural norms of general society?

When you say you have a triad the first thing people think is 'threesome sex' but when someone states that they are in a monogamous relationship, sex isn't usually the first thing they think about, they think love and romance, friendship and companionship.


  1. So true and so wrong that the majority can't think without using their genitals. Another great post, thank you.

  2. I have a friend who has been through all kinds of sexual magic classes and tantra classes, so you'd think that he would be one to understand the dynamic of a triad.

    But that's not the case. When I explained to him the direction that I was going with my life he equated the entire thing to sex.

    Yes, sex is a part of it, but that's not ALL of it. I am growing my family in a non-traditional way and for some reason even this 'worldly' man cannot understand so what chance does someone who eats, sleeps, and breathes monogamy have??


  3. Hi Master Damon,

    Thank you for your comment, I agree completely.


  4. hi, i'm a huge fan of your blog. i live in LA and am trying to connect with the poly scene. i have my own blog too.please feel free to contact me with suggestions.

  5. This post just hits the nail on the head completely! Why is it that in a mono marriage the first people think of is not sex. But if you say a poly relationship it is assumed it is all about sex. I don't get it... But it is the same reaction all the time. And they always act like the guy is just in it for the sex. He can't possibly love and be committed to more than 1 woman, is the thinking behind this stereotype and I'm sick of it. If a man sleeps with several women without commitment he's a hero, but if he makes a loving committed relationship to more than one woman he's the a jerk... How does that thinking even begin to make sense?!? It doesn't for me at all... But perhaps that is because I think with a poly mind and they are trapped in this mono mindset... Either way, I'm tired of it!

  6. I was just saying to my husband when do people think we have TIME for all this sex anyway? When our wife gets here, his submissive believes he won't have time for her anymore because we will be too busy doing it all the time... it makes me say huh? Let's see: three kids, housework, laundry, yard work, work work, dinner... honey, when the day ends, I promise you we will all want a nap more than anything!
    It's actually a little disheartening....

  7. I noticed you didn't say anything abut MFF triads; I'm kind of weird, I guess since I *don't* have an expectation of sex with anyone but my wife -nor particularly an inclination to do so - however, I'd love to see her in the middle of a positive, caring relationship with both of us sharing her equally. Am I out of bounds here?

    1. Hello there, do you mean a Vee? Where the two arms are not romantically connected? If so, that is not part of the trope as it is not a triad :)